Well, Its Almost Time!
Ok, the day is soon approaching!!! My surgery is scheduled for Tues!!! I am both excited and nervous, and everyone is saying, its no big deal, etc etc, but bad things happen sometimes, so I can be nervous right? I’m entitled?
As the day approaches, I have just some random thoughts running thru my head.
My kids. Watching them grow, shaping their little lives. Its truly amazing, theres nothing like it in the world. I only hope WHENEVER my time comes that I have built a solid foundation for them to build upon to be the best they can. I have no dreams for them other than for them to follow their dreams, whatever they are, and be happy and be the best they can be at whatever they are. I love them with all my heart and soul, and I want them to always know that. I think they do now, and I hope they always remember it. I have been very weak and sick since this gall bladder ordeal began, and I laid down on the couch the other nite after dinner, and pulled my boy up tight because i wanted him to leave his sister alone because she was on the phone. I laid down on the couch and he sat up in front of me to watch tv. I draped my arm around him, around that tiny little waist, and as I was drifting in and out, he picked my hand up, kissed it, then laid it gently back around his waist. It brought tears to my eyes.
I have similar memories of my daughter, she shows she cares in different ways, she understands more. I feel like I have cursed my kids by having fibro, they should have a mom that can do everything that other moms do, and I can’t always do that. She sometimes gets frustrated, but shes so protective of me also. She acts so grown up, she helps me do things I cant, she knows instinctively when I hurt more than normal and when I need more help, and normally she helps more than any ten year old should have to. She’ll tell me, “take a break mom”, “go lay down mom”, “you need to eat mom your too skinny.” Theres times when she gets frustrated, as I do also, but she deals with it well over all, in some ways better than me. I really couldnt ask for two greater kids. I feel so blessed.
I don’t discount the rest of my family either. They are great for the most part, I have always had some trouble getting people to understand me, so I think it must be MY inability to communicate properly. I have always been able to communicate better through written word rather than verbally, part of the reason why I started this site, I can get people to understand, even just a little, about what its like living with fibro and bipolar. My family in their own way has been supportive overall. There has been obstacles with each one at different times, but I think for the most part I am very lucky to have such an open minded and understanding family.
Then theres my friends. Someone close to me said that online friends weren’t REAL friends. I thought long and hard about that. I finally came to this conclusion. These people know the REAL me. I dont hide anything from them, and they aren’t judging me superficially. If they are still wanting to be friends with me, then THAT is real true friendship. I am able to tell them anything without being judged and I try and do the same treatment to them. For the longest time, I had no real friends. It is so great to be able to talk to people about everything again, especially to people who truly understand what I am going thru and some have been there themselves. I value all of these people and I am so grateful and lucky to have them in my life.
I have so much to be thankful for, I realize some people dont have any of those things let alone all of them put together. When I am counting backwards from 100 after they start the anesthesia, I will have all of this on my mind, and I hope some will have me on their minds as well. If anything should happen, know I love and appreciate all of you very much, and I hope that I have meant something to each and every one of you enough that you will always remember me. I love you all, please know that. That goes for whether things go well or not, I am a firm believer in never letting someone leave before telling them how you feel, because theres always that freak possibility that you wont get another chance.
So now you know 
Thank you, all of you, for your support, your friendship, your kindness and your love. It’s appreciated far more than you will ever know.
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