Stars And Candles
In the black ink of the night sky peppered with bright dots of light, a star streams past, leaving a glowing tail in its wake. I’m reminded of the quote, “its better to burn out than fade away” Out this star goes, blazing a trail to its demise, but it DID something. Someone noticed it, I noticed it, somehow it touched something or someone, it made an impact.
My thoughts as of late have revolved around this lone theory, this memory. I want to go down like that star, meteor, comet, whatever it was. I want SOMEONE to see me, to feel me, I want to make an impact. Day after day I sit here, thinking of how I want my life to be, wishing on those falling stars. I have it all wrong, if I want to BE like those stars, I have to stop watching and wishing and start ACTING. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten. Translation, if you keep sitting there wishing on stars, in twenty years, you’ll still be sitting there wishing on stars. You have to be proactive, you have to chase that dream if you ever want it to happen for you. So do I really WANT my life to change?
YES! The answer resounds through my body so loudly I can feel it in my toes. So what’s stopping me? ME! That’s the sad part. I cant blame anything or anyone for me not following my dreams, because ultimately the ONLY thing that can stand in your way is you.
What is holding me back? After much inner debate, I have decided, its this stupid illness. WHY? Why do I let it control me? Some days its all I can do just to drag my aching body out of bed and into some clothes, feed the kids, drop them off to school, come home, work for a few hours, go back, get the kids, run any errands that need running, make dinner, clean up, clean the kids up, clean myself up, and fall into bed only to do it all over again the next day. The pain and the panic keep me up, thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness of not ever putting myself in a better situation plague me and make me afraid to close my eyes. I hurt. There is no doubt about that and anyone who disputes that fact needs only to look into my eyes. My eyes tell my story better than words ever could. But I have to be honest with myself. I may never get better. Currently, there is no cure for my illness, fibro is still a mystery to so many, doctors and general public alike. So here is the dilemma I face, do I sit here and wait for a day that I feel good? Do I wait for that “miracle cure” to come along that will take away my pain, help me to sleep, and make me more alert and alive? Or do I say BITE ME to my symptoms, and fight with every ounce of energy deep within me to do something, ANYTHING, once a day to push my dream closer to becoming a reality? What if the cure NEVER comes? Does that mean I am going to just fade into the night, like a distant star? I will be honest, a part of me wants to. A part of me IS defeated by this illness. I hurt on the inside too, deep down, the part that I cant let anyone see, that part has been beaten and battered, dreams shattered and shredded, until sometimes I get that glimmer of hope. I have a “good” day. Not a day without ANY pain, but a day when I can manage the pain I have. Those days are my body’s way of telling me see? It can only keep us down if YOU let it. I know others have it worse than me, and I also know that there are others in my position who have decided, you know what? Enough is enough, I cant do anything with this constant pain, so I am going to just BE, just exist. that’s enough for some. I don’t speak for them, I don’t think less of them for that choice, we all have our own choices to make. I am just speaking for myself, making my own decisions, I am too young and have far to many ideas to give in and say “world, go on without me, its right here that I want to be”. the people who say that, they may have already made their impact on the world. I haven’t yet. I want that choice to be my own and I wont let my illness make it for me. I don’t think any less of the people who make the choice to sit there and wait, I KNOW the pain they feel, and I know how hard it is to overcome. I don’t knock anyone for the choices they make, I just have to make THIS choice on my own, and I have decided to fight, to put all of me into everything I do in the hopes that one day, my dreams will come true.
A cure may still come along, but I don’t want to wait, I don’t want that choice to be taken away from me. Call me impatient, call me a control freak, but fibro has been around for SO long, and its not yet even well known and recognized as a debilitating illness in the medical community. I am taking my future into my own hands and saying “no, this is how its going to be, because I am going to make it that way” Fibro WILL affect me the entire way, it WILL slow me down, and I will have to work around some bigger road blocks than most people, but I believe if you wants something bad enough, nothing is too big for you to overcome.
Have you ever watched a candle burn out? Right before it reaches the bottom the flame glows brighter, seemingly at the end of its journey, it gives that one last push that lights up the room, almost as if to let you know its had it in there from the beginning, but was saving it for one last surprise. I want that to be me, I wont let anything hold me back, now is the time for my flame to brighten my world, to show what I’ve had inside all along, to make MY mark. Is it yours?
Sixty years from now when I am in my rocker, I want to be able to tell my grandkids the contribution I made to their world, not the pain I endured that kept me from following my dreams, I want them to know I loved then even then enough to make a difference.
Jo, You certainly have the brains to do whatever it is you decide to do. Setting that goal realistically is the biggest challenge. You need to set it high enough so you keep trying to be a little better but low enough so that if Fibro grows more power it doesn’t totally devastate you leaving you unable to get close enough to your goal. The crystal ball isn’t there. You can’t know when your ability to sleep and therefore think will end. You can’t tell if you’ll be too stiff and sore to drive. Can you get up the steps of the bus if that’s your back-up plan. You sure can’t work in a job where another life will be profoundly affected as in the medical field, that fog and confusion roll in. Can’t be a job w repetition,doesn’t take long for the muscle cramps to set in or severe shakes. Really need to have a bathroom nearby, the IBS knows how to take charge. With lots of willpower you’ll still need sick days, the migraines and other things can suddenly pounce on you. The fibro interferes a little too much and boom drops depression on your determined self. So lets see what we can really do…clean houses? Could probably maybe get away with it. Is that a satisfying goal? Most likely not. An actor or actress? Lol sounds better but beware the fog that drops your words right out of your head.
Some of us are lucky and very conversant. We can write stories about how we really feel and how we see things. We can describe things so that people see exactly what we want them to. We can be ailing and lead a fight for recognition of our ailments. We have the brains and the guts to start our own web site and say this is me EXACTLY as I am, here’s what I’m afraid of ,here’s what I want. We can be running full tilt looking at the stars and wanting to start on an important quest without realizing we already have. Some of us will be 80 in a rocking chair telling our grandchildren and great grandchildren that Grammy started by helping on somebody’s web site, then started her own and kept taking care of life while she wrote her first book. We’ll tell our loved ones tales of mini adventures like getting fibro recognized, helping people who were depressed almost to despair, starting over on our own while taking care of our Mothers and drilling holes in the roof and floor for the water to pass through without the roof collapsing. Oh, the stories we’ll be so fortunate as to be able to tell while holding our loved ones undivided attention, and to know they’re true stories because we made them so. We’ll rock while watching those falling stars and see the love and guidence we gave our children guiding them and realize theyve also already started their journey because we helped them set high goals and gave them the love and confidence to chase after them.If we’ve been really fortunate we can write stories about loved ones who are ranked among the highest in the country for their intelligence. We may even tell tales of raising compassionate young men not afraid to be loving fathers and understanding supportive husbands. How fortunate to be able to write it all down, even with something as misunderstood as fibro. Sure, sometimes you’d have to erase everything you wrote on a foggy day…or week. Eventually all those wonderful stories would come together. If not a best seller at least well loved n memorized stories handed down through the generations you yourself started.
Well, maybe some of us could do that. Maybe if the stars shine bright enough to see the path we’re on. Most likely some of us will take a smaller straighter path and simply accomplish one or two of these things. Some will stop in the first clearing and love and nurture their young ones while saying see those pretty stars, they can be you, I knew a great Lady who dared to dream and lit the way for others to follow.
Jo,
You definitely have a gift, and you should RUN towards anything that can help you! (Okay, with an occasional limp, lol)
YES! GO! Start your own star! Others will follow YOU! You do have a way with words and an extraordinary way of describing situations either real or imagined in wonderful detail that leaves the reader wanting more!
You may be the next (Oh, damn, can’t remember the author of Harry Potter books) but her,…or Danielle Steele (which I like, but they all have the same expressions in them over and over until I know just when to expect them, and the same kind of boring style) okay, so maybe NOT Danielle Steele, LOL, but Nora Roberts or Oh God, books are my life, and I can’t think of a SINGLE author of a classic book that I love…damn fog…but “To Kill a Mockingbird”, Little Women, sooooo many respected authors.
You CAN be one of them, Jo, but only if you try! Daunting, yes, but what do you have to show for it if you don’t try?
And, as JD says, your choices are limited. So, do something else for as long and as often as you’re able just while you get something together. And write small pieces…and send them to every magazine you know!
Those nickleS and dimes will help you to get to the place that wins you a respected name on the “Latest Books” that are listed in all the newspapers and stores everywhere!
IF IT’S YOUR DREAM, GO FOR IT!! You CAN write! Good luck.
Jo,
Go for it!! Reach for the stars! Don’t let this illness tell you what you are going to do or be. We do have control over our lives. Sure, we have illness that we have to work around and there are limitations, but with some creativeness and reasoning, nothing should stop us.
Everyone should be doing what they want to be, of course within reason. It’s not like we are going to be the next Lance Armstrong, but we have to compromise and be realistic.
Take care and good luck on your journey.
Jo,
You are so gifted and blessed. I so can relate to what you wrote. Hey, you can even pick up the kids, work from house and do errands.GOD bless you. As of late I have goten worse. I am in know way meaning I have given into this condition, but I was told I have epstein barr by my new doc and it is at a high level at the moment. Also vitamin D is way low and zinc. I have days where i just can not understand how days go by and I can not leave the thouse. Then I haeve days where I can see the light and have great ideas too. You wite so beatutifully and hopefully you will write books as part of your endeavors.I woudl sure promte you!(= I know it is just one day at a tine for all of us. I , like you want to get this condition under control asap adn when I am in stress mode and my mind goes into dangerous roads lol meaning I have sticking thinking my body pays a big toll. That is what my body is experiencing at the moment I think. I pray it is nothing serious. Seems allot different than the Fibro. Look forward to your new articles. Have a pain free weekend! Jo, I know you will do big things!!!!!
Hugs,
Erica
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