WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love & Empathy

People want to know what’s bothering me??? I get asked that fifty times a day. I have to admit, I don’t say it all, partly because I don’t want to think about it, partly because I am too lazy to run down the list. So hear it is, most of it anyway, for your reading pleasure…………………….

I am terribly insecure. That’s no secret, anyone who knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve. I worry about EVERY LITTLE TINY THING….. From what I am going to wear today, to the problems in the world. Most of all I worry about the people I love, I never stop thinking of them, and things they are going through, things that happen to them, things that could happen to them. My therapist told me the other day I need to stop living like that, I guess I have a tendency to act in accordance with how I think those that I love will react. Meaning I anticipate that something I want will piss off someone I love, so I don’t do it. BAD GIRL! That’s no way to live your life!

Guilt, oh my GOD so much guilt! Guilt that I lost my job (they laid us all off, no fault of my own), guilt that I cant get a job outside the house, guilt that I cant find another work from home job, guilt that I cant be the type of mom I want to be for my kids, guilt that I cant do all that everyone expects from me………………… You get it right? Guilt is weighing on me right now like 2 tons of bricks on my shoulders.

Along with the guilt comes sadness. I am so incredibly sad every day for all the things I cant do anymore. And panic! I am panicky these days now, its hard to describe, but I am afraid of everything, in crowds I am always looking for the nearest exit, thinking up escape plans in my head. The only time I feel halfway sane is when I am driving, and maybe its because I have made it so that I focus on driving. I keep the music cranked so I don’t hear what the kids are discussing and let my mind worry about what they are talking about, although they are used to it by now, so if they need something, they know they have to address me loud enough to interrupt my routine. They also understand I need to focus on driving for their safety as well, so they are pretty good about letting me drive.

I am growing tired of the fakeness of everything in the world myself included. I am tired of putting up this happy front that everything is ok. I am tired of people lying to me, the truth is so much easier. Am I so horrible that people are afraid to tell me the truth? I hate that about me to, that people think they need to lie to me, I feel guilty.

And to add insult to injury, or maybe injury to insult, I am in a massive flare. Every spot on my body aches, I can’t sleep, I eat but not well, I’m depressed, I’m manic, mind is racing, and on and on it goes. Not to mention, my endo is back. The doc who did the surgery almost three yrs ago, no, its now just a few months over three years said the surgery was a temporary fix, it could help for three months or three years. He was right on the money! I am faced with a tough decision, I can have the same surgery, hold it off a few more years if I am lucky, or go for the hysterectomy. Hysterectomy is a big deal. No one will understand who hasn’t been through it. Its not even the not being able to have kids. It’s the fact that it will throw me into menopause and I am not sure I am ready for that yet. I don’t know if I could handle it, the hormonal imbalance, the mental aspect.

So as you can see, I have a lot going on, and that’s just scratching the surface. Theres more that I am too lazy to type out. Now no one has to ask and I wont volunteer it trust me. I have spilled my guts here and now, and this is the only time we will speak of this……..

Love to you all, and I hope your doing better than I am