My Personal Rant
Ok so this is going to be a bit of a rant, I can’t help it, I am in a pissy mood, I don’t feel good, and well, deal with it! I do, every day, I deal with it, so I am going to fire back.
I have been thinking a lot lately about what it is that pisses me off the most, about myself, about the world, about everything. I think I just need to bitch and get it all off my chest at once, maybe that will help me sleep. Hey I am entitled to dream right!
What pisses me off about myself right now? Well there a whole lot of things, but maybe the worst is the fact that my body is betraying me. I am thirty years old for goodness sake! I should NOT have to tolerate all these aches and pains for doing NORMAL things! Its not like I am doing a freakin triathlon or anything, I am just trying to keep up with my two kids! Take today, I had planned to go, clean a house, take the kids swimming, come home and just plain chill. Well first I get there and my son decides he needs to puke all over the wood floor. Then I get that mess straightened out, and I get to the pool, and the kids have all this new found confidence that has me on edge as they are jumping in the pool, going deeper than they normally would, and I get to panic each time they go under. Not to mention, we find SCORPIONS IN THE POOL!!! They are dead mind you, but how do I know more aren’t in there or on their way to it. So I spent some time scouring the bottom, decide its clean, then sit on alert making sure none are sneaking in off to the side. I know that its anal, but I am worried because even if its dead, if they step on the poison it would still get into their blood stream.
This is a NORMAL day with two active kids! So WHY did I have to come home and take a nap! I had kids early for a reason, I wanted to be the “active” mom, the one who played with the kids instead of WATCHING them play. I feel like such a failure to them that I cant even do normal mom stuff. I can’t get in there and play like I should be able to. There is just only so much I can do before I am completely wiped out and I just crash. They deserve better. I really couldn’t have been blessed with better kids. They have their moments, but they are truly loving caring little balls of light in my dark existence, and they deserve better than me. They deserve a mom that can keep up, that can play all day and still have the energy to sit with them and watch tv, or cook something special for snack, instead of crashing and being useless for the rest of the night. Day after day I wake up and loathe myself even more for all that I can’t do for them. They deserve the best, and they are stuck with me.
This leads me to something else I hate. People don’t understand that although my body is in awful shape, my mind is still always thinking. I am not the brightest person, but I am not stupid, and some people just can’t get that. All this time that my body is failing me, I am sitting here thinking, planning, figuring things out. I hate that people think just because I am sick they can lie to me, or not tell me things. I am a lot of things, stupid is NOT one of them and it disgusts me to be treated like I am. I may not always call people on it, but I know whats going on the majority of the time. To think that I don’t or act that I don’t is the biggest insult anyone can give me. I wish people would give me SOME credit in that department. I have proven that I am halfway intelligent, so don’t treat me like I don’t know whats going on around me. YES I take prescription drugs, NO that doesn’t make me some brain dead zombie. Sometimes I do feel detached, and floating through life, just existing, but my brain doesn’t stop and neither do my feelings. If you have something to say then say it, if you don’t want to talk about it then tell me, I would much rather be told the truth than be ignored and treated as if I didn’t exist. Don’t you think I feel that way enough? Hell don’t you think I wish that enough? But since I AM here, and I DO have feelings, how about talking to me, how about some honesty, I am not a monster either, and I think I am pretty easy going when treated with the common respect and courtesy I treat others with. To all those who happen to be reading this, and a few in particular, DO NOT TAKE THIS AS BEING ALL ABOUT YOU! If I were to get out a piece of paper and write out the number of people this is intended for, the people who have treated me this way past and present, the list who HAD would be far longer than the list that had NOT. Its not even your fault, its MY fault for letting people do this to me.
All is forgiven. I hold no grudges, the purpose of this rant is to show you how I feel and ask that you show a little understanding. I am going through an extremely difficult time in my life, so many changes, so many new challenges, I want to start with a clean slate. This is me taking out a giant eraser and wiping my feelings clean. This is me starting fresh in the hopes that in the future these things don’t happen, that the people who care about me and love me in my life realize that I have feelings and treat me as they would like to be treated. Put yourself in my shoes. For ONE day, I just wish the world would put themselves in my shoes, I wish they could feel the pain I go through in one day, both physically AND emotionally. Actually I don’t, because I would never wish this kind of pain on those I love. My heart aches, and I didn’t know it was possible, but I think the mental anguish I go through on a daily basis brought on by me being hard on myself AND how others treat me is worse than fibro pain. It’s the worst pain I have ever lived with, and I hope by writing this it will ease some. I hope that people start treating me like an intelligent person with feelings. That’s my hope for my bleak future right now. Can everyone out there help me with that? I know sometimes I am distant, theres a reason ok, and from now on, I will be respectful and tell you what I want to talk about and what I don’t. I won’t make you guess anymore if you give me the same. Sometimes I don’t want to talk because I just don’t want to drag others down into the darkness, but I am working on that. Thank you for reading my rant. Ask yourself, has she been there for me? Does she deserve what she’s asking for? Please, if you care, bear with me…………….
oh my god, u r lucky that u can express what u feel. Im really having a bad mood and good mood swing for two weeks now. And i started searching about manic deppression. I believe i have it, i feel happy at day time when i can see the sun, and start to feel alone and sad when i see that its started to be dark and it is already night time…Lately i stay awake until 4:00 am. I cant take it any longer, before i noticed the swing in my mood, I told my husband by the phone (he is not with now & he will be back after another 2 weeks from now) he left a month a half ago, well its a long story & he is working there. I told him by the phone that i think we need to have a baby but now i changed my idea again, because i think i need to fix my s**t first. I started to talk with people then i would start ignoring them after sometime, thinking that they will use my words as a kind of attack to me…Oh my god i have difficulties explaining this….
I too have fibromyalgia. I have 7 kids. 4 which are adults now and then 3 younger ones that we adopted who are 7,9 and 11. I too feel so bad at times for not being able to get in there and play with the kids, it seems some days like today I get exhausted just watching them. I want to be the kind of mom I was for the older ones. I use to go rollerskating,ice skating, all the amusement rides,swing,slide,swim,rafting,bike riding all of this and more I did with my older kids and now I can’t do any of it with them. I so get how you feel about not being able to be active with your kids. thanks for your website. I hope you are having a good week hun.
I started reading your site because my 11 yr old son has bi-polar and it helps me in dealing with him by reading how people that have this feel.take care……..((((HUGS))))…..themommie
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