Independence Day
Well from the country’s standpoint, I understand and love this holiday. Its one of my favorites in fact, because we get together as families and celebrate and have a good time without the need for gifts and all that. I love hanging out with the kids, and watching the awe on their faces as the fireworks light up the night.
I am struggling with it on a personal level. Fibro robs you of so much, and one of the biggies for me is my independence. I can no longer do all the things I used to, and for someone who was used to doing it all, that’s a big deal. I am too tired, sore, or just plain out of it to be the person I used to be. I am finding dealing and accepting who I have become of the biggest hurdles in all of this.
People in my life try and help, and I give them credit for that. The trouble is, unless you go through something like this personally, its difficult to understand. I used to be the reliable one, the one everyone turned to when they needed help. I used to think there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do. I still think that sometimes, on my good days, and I tell myself its true but some times I just may need a little longer to do them. Now I have days when I doubt that.
Its just really hard on me mentally, when I get up in the morning, and I look at my list of tasks, and realize I couldn’t possibly fit more in if I tried. I don’t do much, and some days it’s a struggle just to get through the tasks that I HAVE to get through, such as caring for my kids, keeping the house clean, fixing dinner, then I try and squeeze in some things that are just for me, such as my writing, checking up with my online friends, reading message boards or looking up info about my illnesses. Some days it just doesn’t feel like I have anything left. I can’t imagine working a job and doing ANYTHING else, and I can’t remember how I used to work TWO jobs and take care of my family. I know I did at one point, at several points actually, but I can’t imagine how, and that saddens me. I like being everything to my kids, I don’t like them thinking there is anything they cant do, so I don’t like them seeing my shortcomings. It hurts to have to say “mommy can’t”. Maybe I haven’t admitted it to myself yet. I am starting to, and that’s why I have been struggling. If I am not the supermom who can work two jobs, come home, cook dinner, play with the kids and still have some left over to clean the house, do the laundry etc, then what am I?
I guess that’s the question I am asking myself, and I don’t know anymore. I don’t know ME anymore. Everyone with a debilitating illness goes through this at some point. I know that, but it doesn’t make it any easier………………..
Til next time gang!
Jo
I know how u feel. I go thru this feeling over and over and just feel frustrated and sigh. My kids are adults now and I still feel guilty when I can’t do the things I use to do. Like put on a big picnic for the 4th and all the other holidays I use to make for everyone. *sigh* Wish I had a magic wand! luv u and understand your frustrations. queen
Jo, I hate not doing what I used to, too. I used to have big celebrations with every holiday, cooking for days, inviting everyone I know, but it stopped last year. I tried to keep up some of it, but I can’t. I’m so tired for days after, and can’t enjoy the actual day, or even eat the food I cooked , because of fatigue. It’s just not worth it. This is the first year that I haven’t had a July 4th bash…and I hate it. I don’t enjoy doing much anymore, and have to fight myself to say “yes” to anything, because I just don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. This disease has robbed my family,too…of celebrations and family get togethers. I know it’ll all stop with me because my kids aren’t willing to do the work. I have to give it up and just let it be, but it’s hard. I miss all the work and fun of cooking for a lot of people. But…que sera sera.
HI hun,you could not have put it any better,you must be reading my mind,this is exactly what i have been dealing with,it is so hard to not be the person i used to be,a wife,a mom and a friend who loved life,and was so active and involved,i too used to entertain alot and worked three jobs,loving every minute of it!Take care,love bo
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