WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love & Empathy

For awhile now I have wanted to write about this, but a part of me keeps the feelings hidden, its hurtful to me, but I think the time has come for me to open up so others might understand. Well in all honesty I guess it matters very little if others understand or acccept my choices, they are my own and I alone must live with them, but it DOES bother me that certain people look down on me simply because they dont understand.

It started back this past summer. Everything was going well, I had started divorce proceedings, I had started dating Correy, and my ex started dating his fiance. I was up visiting Correy, and my ex calls me and says my kids no longer want to live with me so he was just NOT giving them back. Of all the sneaky underhanded lowlife things he could have done, this was absolutely the last thing I would have expected. I curse myself daily for having put him above such a thing. No one would let me go home that minute, even though I wanted to, but that was probably a good thing in retrospect, because I was a fierce mama bear hell bent on getting my cubs back.

Luckily, being up here gave me time to cool down and think. My kids have ALWAYS come first, and I was letting my pride rule my judgement. People have accused me of ‘giving’ him my kids. I can assure you nothing is further from the truth. If my kids had told me one time they wanted to be with me I would have fought for them every step I took, I would give my dying breath for them, they are my everything. It KILLS me not being there with them everyday, but they decided they wanted to be with Dad. Why? Well I have many theories, I wasnt always the best mom, I admit, especially at that time with the unresolved seizure thing going on and no way to control it I felt pretty useless myself, but my kids would NOT have abandoned me without prompting from SOMEONE, I am not stupid and they tell me what goes on. Add to my illnesses the fact that they often don’t feel like they have the approval of their Dad, and they KNEW they always had my approval, so it made sense to me they wanted to live with him. It broke my heart, but it made sense.

So that left me with a few choices. My first one was pretty well made for me. What kind of mother would I be if I dragged my kids into court and made them testify against me? That would be hurtful to them as well as me and I read up on it, testifying against one parent no matter if its what they wanted, could scar them for life once they are old enough to understand how much everything meant. He might have been more than willing to put them through that but I wasnt. Another choice I made was where I was going to live. I had alot to consider. I had already been (and in some ways continue to be as much as I hate it) a burden to my mother, and Correy was willing to let me stay with him. Besides the fact that I wanted to be around him, it also helped my ego that SOMEONE wanted me around. Coupled with the fact that I didnt know how I could handle being SO CLOSE to my kids and yet not being able to see them everyday, the move was the obvious choice.

Do I regret how things have worked out? I can honestly say, very little. If I had it to do over again there is very little I would change. My kids and I have a great relationship now, even though I miss them every single second of every single day. Correy and I are running smoothly and now we have this wonderful new life on the way. I still have my times (ok pretty frequently) where I feel utterly useless, a burden to my mother as well as to Correy, but I know it wont last, eventually I will fell useful again, until then I just hope my love is enough of a reason to keep me around

It all goes back to something I have said since I was 15 years old and the man that I thought would be the love of my life wanted to leave. ‘If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if not it was never meant to be’ It didnt work out for me then the way I thought it should and now it only proves to me everything happens for a reason. We may not understand them while they are happening, but the reasons become evident to us later on…