I Just Don’t Know Anymore……………
Some days I honestly feel like i don’t know ANYTHING anymore. Nothing makes sense. I would give anything to make this pain disappear. I don’t know what hurts worse, my inside pain or my outside pain. I am SO sad and depressed lately its becoming unbearable.
I thought I was all set, finally have insurance, got an appointment with a doc that I have waited a LONG time for (because i had no insurance) and he disappoints me by not just saying ‘take this and lets wait and see’ but giving me yet ANOTHER pill to add to my ever growing pharmacy AND its one I have previously tried that didnt work!
So I call my old Doc, he delivered my daughter, he’s been my doctor on and off for eleven years and the only reason I didn’t call him in the first place is because I owe him eighty dollars, which i shouldn’t owe him since I had paid for everything upfront last time, but ok fine, I will go ahead and pay it. I call and try to make an appointment, she asks what my insurance is, which I know he takes it because I looked him up on their provider list BEFORE I picked the insurance, and the receptionist tells me that he ‘has no appointments available for someone with that insurance’. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Like ever? He is booked through eternity for everyone with my insurance? Then how did I lose MY spot?
What bothers me the most I think is the total lack of concern for people. I’m not a number, I’m not an insurance card, I’m a person. Why doesn’t anyone care that I am sick? Why doesn’t the doctor who brought my first born into this world, who was with me through my last health scare, and who I have turned to with every problem in the last eleven years, care one bit about me anymore just because of my insurance?
Its all money, thats what this world has come to, money money money. My emotions are in over drive too so this doesnt help. Considering the fact that al people care about is money, and I have none, then I feel like I dont count. I feel worthless and trapped in my hopelessness. I’m falling into a dark hole, and every once in a while on the long trip down I get hope, a tree branch, flimsy, but sticking out just enough for me to grab on to. I get excited, and I hold on to that twig for dear life only to have it snap in my fingers, sending me sailing down into the black depths of despair.
People say I should talk about it. I reach out, I try anyway, but when theres no hand to hold onto, whats the point? I want more than anything to be able to find that ONE hand that wont let go. I have a few people that care, and I am so grateful for that, but I am still feeling so alone, so dark, so confused and just so damn worthless. I can’t reign that in. I need to find the purpose in my life again. Yes the kids of course, my number one most important job is mom, but what about me? Who the hell am I and what do I want? Day in and day out that same question burns in my mind, what do i want thats JUST FOR ME? I dont know, and all the while as I try and figure it out, the hole gets darker and deeper and I fall faster and faster. Maybe this is my destiny. To just vanish, fade away, alone, lonely.
The only thing I know, with all my heart, is that I have love to give, and some people they return that love, Can one live on love alone? i just don’t know anymore, I just dont know ANYTHING anymore. I hope everyone I love knows I love them. Maybe thats all I’m meant to do is love…………………………………………
I know how you feel. I dont know who I am. I’m diagnosed with so many mental illnesses and have so little self esteem, I wonder what I’m here for. I’m 39 and for at least 30 years, I’ve felt like I’m not “normal” or something is wrong with me. I was a mentally and physically abuse child. People including family just tell me to forget my past and turn it off like a light switch. I wish it was that easy.
Being bipolar and working inside the healthcare industry,I can confirm that doctors (the majority) are all about money and they do not listen to what you say. I have had dr’s ask me a question to which the answer is in my chart from the last visit. Can anyone understand how hopeless it feels when the doctor doesn’t know or even care enough to look at what is in your chart. I’m struggling to find a reason that will justify another 20, 30, or however many years of this B—S— life, and they have no idea where I’ve been in the last year? I really do not understand why I keep going, but I do. They (doctors, family, friends, etc…) have no idea how useless, lonely and hopeless you already feel. They call it selfish when someone like us commits suicide, but they help get many of us there. When someone has a heart attack, they get everyone and everything available to help save them. When a mentally ill person gets worse, you get no one and nothing to help save you. In fact, you get ostracized and pushed away. I wish I could just wake up happy instead of sad and angry.
Best Wishes,
David
i have fibromygia and GAD im still not sure about the bipolar…
even test ive taken it comes out that i do….
ASIA
Dave,
well said, i feel 100% the same way. trying to make “something” of this bs life one day at a time, more like one hour at a time.
last doc i saw looked at me (first visit) and first thing he says is “pee in this cup cause i think you are a drug addict”
SAY WHAT???? i was so stunned i did not even know what to say. he proceeded to inform me that there IS NO such thing as fibromyalgia and i needed to just “see a therapist” (mind you medicare is not exactly helpful ever).
and for some reason his comments got to me so bad i started crying, trying to tell him, hey i am just here to stop the PAIN SOMEHOW,,,i dont care how, i dont care what med it is, MAKE IT STOP.
he reffered me to a diff shrink and that was the entire visit.
i left in tears and that really pissed me off because i am usually not like that but they had send me to him because he was a “pain specialist” and i got my hopes up he may be finally able to help.
so much for that.
they never even said they where sorry i cried or hand me a tissue or anything. what happend to a little empathy? i cried because i knew this was the “last hope doctor” after seing dozens of them over the years, and he tells me that i am a drug addict. i am not even taking anything ‘addictive’ anymore and quite frankly at that point i did not care how it was going to be fixed, pain pump whatever.
they just do not seem to care, i am just a “file” in their hand that they dont even bother to read like your doc.
i dont even know how i drove home, probably should not have been driving in that state, but what am i gonna do it is me myself and i 80% of the time and people get tired of ‘doing me a favor’ and driving for me.
god thsi is such a long comment, i can not write short once appearently, my appologies.
good luck to you Dave!
Christiane
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