How I Am March 27,2007
Every night I sit here, and try and sum up my feelings
try to express how I feel through poetry, but not tonite.
Tonite I am just going to spell it all out, and maybe then I will feel better.
Yes I am going through a separation. Even though I know it has to happen this way, i AM sad. People think that just because someone knows that this is how it has to be that the person making the decision is fine with it.
I’m not. I am sad. Some days I get up and KNOW this is how its gotta be, other times I am riddled with the what ifs, scared of the unknown. Then I sit, and I think, and I remember what prompted these feelings, and I know that this is the right choice right now.
I know my husband will read this, and even if he didnt, some mindless twit would tell him I was talking bad about him. I’m not. My husband is a great guy, and it kills me that I am hurting someone I love. We tried other options, and they didnt work, they didnt help, so this was the only way I could see. I still love him, I will always love him, hes the father of my beautiful babies and I dont regret my time with him ever, not even for a minute. Two people can be great people and just not fit. In my case, I AM THE BAD PERSON. I have issues, I have had them all my life, and I have to work through them my way, because the other ways we tried havent worked. I have to work through all the sorrow in my heart, all the pain, all the dark memories. I have to get through all my fears, my insecurities, and I have to do it on my own. I have no business being involved with anyone until I can know who I am, until I can be happy with who I am, because right now I hate myself for what I have become.
I have started on this process, and it might be long, it might be short, I dont know, I have no guarantees. I have to be this awful selfish person that I hate, I have to ONLY focus my attention on me and my kids because I want to be a good person for THEM, a person they can me proud to call their Mom. I truly believe that we are all here for a purpose, and if we are lucky, we figure out this purpose before we die. After all my self reflection, I decided my purpose is to raise my two wonderful kids and be a person they can look up to, be a person thats a good example for them. I am not setting a good example for them if I hate myself, if everything I do is wrong, if I make stupid mistakes because I dont believe in myself.
How I am right now I cant even tell you. I have so much confusion, I dont know what I believe because its who I am, or because its what people tell me I should. I am just NOW starting to make decisions based on MY thoughts and feelings. I am starting to find a few minutes a day that I actually LIKE who I am. I am starting to believe in myself again, and I think thats SO important in this process of self discovery. I need to find my self worth. Its been buried so long, I thought I would never find it, but every once in a while I catch a glimpse of it, every once in a while I smile a TRUE smile, and its been so long that I hardly recognize it.
I have been stale, stagnant, and stuck in my rut for so long. Its no ones fault but mine, I havent spoken up, I cant decide if I couldnt find my voice, or if I had no voice. When I think back, I dont know if I ever had a voice to begin with. I am finally going to stop being lead around by the nose, and wearing my heart on my sleeve for the world to see. I will always hate myself for hurting my husband. He is a good man who did what he thought he should, but I cant take it anymore. I need to find ME, buried deep down inside, I have to be selfish to find out who my”self” really is. I have to find away to love myself before anyone can love me, and I have to figure out what MY hopes and dreams are so I can follow them. No one can do it for me. Its MY life, and MY choices. I have stood idly by and let others make my every decision, let others tell me what I felt about things, how I felt about things.
Its mean and its selfish, but its how i am right now, its how I have to be for now, and though my heart breaks, there is no other way anymore.
Sorry if I am not around as much guys, know I love you all, but I dont know how to be a friend to anyone when I dont know how to be MY OWN friend.
Take care all, your in my thoughts, until next time,
Jo
Jo,
Are you sure you’re not reading too much into all this? Nobody’s perfect! You DO know how to be a friend…you ARE a friend to quite a few that I know of.
BEING a friend is just how you are…YOU don’t have to work at it…you just are. I think you’re being too hard on yourself, and thinking too much as to how you might be perfect. I don’t know why you don’t like yourself as you are, but really, we can ALL find things about ourselves that we don’t like or that others don’t like.
That doesn’t make us BAD people…it just makes us human. I think that someone, somewhere may have gotten in a few hits to your self-esteem. I’m sorry that you think so badly of yourself, but you shouldn’t. I remember feeling the way you do….and you know why? I didn’t know of any other way to feel…. Guess what? other people could see it, but I couldn’t.
I think maybe you should ask a few trusted people exactly what kind of person they think you are. You may be in for a surprise…:shock::wink:
Take care, and give yourself a break, kid!
A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed…..:smile:
If finding yourself makes us bad…then there isn’t a good person walking on Earth. For some it takes years and others a lifetime, but each of us walks the path, breaks hearts, loses ourselves and finds the path to who we are along the way. I hate to hear you beat yourself up for doing what IS best for you. Some people never find the courage you have found (and it’s courage!) to say “I’m important and I have to take care of me.”
On Friendship - you have one of the biggest hearts, widest shoulder to cry on, and infectious laughter to bring to all of us. Part of being a friend isn’t always being there for people–but knowing they are there for you in your time of need as well. Some listen, dry tears, allow space when space is needed, tell you you are full of shit when you need that too - that’s friendship. It’s reciprocal…it’s give and take, but it’s always there.
I THINK YOU ARE AMAZING, AND I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL YOU TOO CAN PROCLAIM THAT FROM THE ROOFTOPS WITHOUT ANY DOUBT IN YOUR HEART!
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