Depression
What is depression? I think its different things to different people. Even asking me personally what it is, I have trouble answering. To me, its the feeling of utter hopelessness, the darkness that engulfs me down to my very soul, the uncertainty that is LIFE creeping up and knocking you off that well worn track.
When I am experiencing depression, it does more than just affect my mood, it affects my actions, clouds my judgments, influences my decisions. It takes over my life, I have trouble thinking about anything other than the hopelessness I feel. I have nothing I look forward to, I am listless, dragging myself out of bed only out of sheer necessity, if I didn’t get up and take the kids to school, feed them, clothe them, who would? Yes I know they have a Dad and they have other family, but if thats all you have you cling to it. Then when I realize how little I actually do, and start feeling completely worthless, I start thinking maybe they would be better off with someone else raising them.
Thats when the judgment starts getting blurry, my actions influenced by the dark hand squeezing tight on my heart. My mind wanders, I become listless, nothing is fun or exciting. I start thinking what would it be like if I steer the car towards the water, if I took a few more pills than I should to numb the pain. Then one day the pain is not even there, its just a cold empty void where feeling used to be. Then when decisions are supposed to be made, questions answered, even little ones, I just don’t. I don’t answer, I decide not to decide, I just let go. I stop LIVING, and I let life just HAPPEN to me……….
How do you get past it? I wish I knew. I have no idea how to ‘get over’ the numbness, how to get the feelings back. I wish everyday for that tidal wave of emotion but it doesn’t happen. At the end of the day I can’t make my brain think or my heart care about much of anything other than just existing, sometimes just the thought of that alone is too painful and empty to bear………..
Wow, I found your website through youtube. I’m from Iceland, i’m studying psychology and was browsing for all kinds of mental disorders. Hope you feel good today.
Greetings from Iceland.
wow! i am so happy to hear someone going thru this. i cant get my husband to see thru my eyes. its really hard. people say… take him to this site or that site. he hates computers. ha ha contact me!!
My husband located your website through Utube. He mentioned your videos and stated that if he closed his eyes and listened to you, that you and I have so many similarities that he could not stop listening to you. I have Bi-Polar, Fibromyalgia, and have had 5 sinus infections during the past 8 months. I asked him to locate your website for me to read and listen; you have much better awareness and control than I have had over the years.
Two years ago I experienced the worst rapid cycling rollercoaster ride of mania/depression. I moved out of our home and asked my husband for a divorce. He is the most incredible man that I know, I turned on him and my family because the mania hit so fast and so hard. I avoided everyone that I loved because I perceived them as wanting to control me. My perceptions of the world vary drastically depending on the intensity of the mania or depression.
I learned during this experience that age 40 can be a trigger; my episode occurred before my 42nd birthday. I was given a combination of medication that lifted the darkness and pulled the reins on my mania. For the first time in my entire life - I have felt “normal”. Normal, with normal ups and normal downs.
For some bizzare reason, Spring is also a trigger for me, especially when enormous amounts of long term stress are factored in. A co-worker of mine has 3 relatives with Bi-Polar; she is acutely aware of the cycling,timing and indications of an upcoming episode. She contacted my husband to prepare him and let him know that I was beginning to have a really difficult time concentrating at work and was worried about me. He waited until later that day to speak to me; he told me that friends and family had noticed the behaviors that plagued me two years ago where begin to resurface. Today I went to my doctor on the cusp of a new cycle, this time I have much more faith that life can be good. I will always have challenges from time to time, but now I have hope rather than the horrible fear of complete self-destruction.
Self-destruction was my life quest from the time I was a teenager. If I had been diagnosed when I was younger, perhaps I could have experienced a much less painful childhood. I don’t think about that much anymore, my personality was created at birth with a combination of traits from my mother and my father. Being tender-hearted can be a blessing and a curse; mostly a blessing. The only time that it can be a curse is when I allow myself to get be caught up in the web of an individual that I term a “preditor”. These preditors have a “radar” that targets soft-hearted, kind, vulnerable, and overly emotional people. They are keenly aware of potential prey; prey that they can manipulate with ease.
Well….I had better sign off, my two little yorkshire terriers are requesting my attention. Thank you for allowing me to “speak”. There is hope….there is always hope. Our lives may never be simple, but we can live a tremendously fulfilling life with the knowledge that we are not alone and we are not abnormal. Personally, I believe that we are simply eccentric souls placed here in a learning environment.
After years of researching more medical information than most physicians, I have been able to provide others with questions to ask their doctors, tests they may need, and the fact that they may need to be firm with their requests. A person must be comfortable and confident with their doctors. If I am uncomfortable with a physician, I will locate a doctor that will allow me to ask questions, listen and respond. It took me 25 years to acquire the determination to advocate for myself.
Oops…..there I go, a little hyper yet, but on the correct path. Thank you for your bravery, honesty, awareness, and for sharing.
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