You made me cry here,,
i have besides hsp and fibro ,,clinical depression.
and yes i actually tried to kill myself 2 years ago, it was not for attention i had just reached the bottom and did not see any reason to stick around. what was scary that even the thought of my daughter did not stop me, when i get that depressed that i get suicidal ( happens about once a year) i will find EVERY reason why it wont matter to people if i do this. they all tell me they love me and that they wil find me and let me know how upset they are if i ever do it again.
i took a month worth of valium and wrote a ‘last will and testament” that i swear nobody could read because i was crying so much it messed up the ink. but i just did NOT care anymore.
weird thing is, i took the pills, and woke up the next morning with a “hangover”. who survives a month worth of valium?
i was pisssssed off that i woke up if you can believe that. really angry it did not work.
i have not tried since becaue somehow i figure if i woke up from THAT, maybe just maybe there is something i am supposed to do yet, so i make sure i see my shrink regularly and he adjusted my meds for like the 1oth time and i was ok after a few days.
but yeah, i talk about it openly like you do, because i am just a straight forward person and say exactly what is on my mind.
i had an idea for a website very similar to this although the video thing did not cross my mind, but you are SO SO right about needing someone to talk to, the support, etc.
it is hard on the families as well and you always feel like you are just “whining” and actually husband #2 told me that. “must you always whine so much”, all i was trying to do is to relate to him that if he came to bed to please not “rock the bed” because every movement felt like it immedatly hurt all over my body. my kid coming home from school, wants to give me a bear hug and all i can do is say “not so tight pleaaaaaase”.
my mother on the other hand decided “well everyone gets the BLUES sometimes”. not exactly helpful at all.
for support i have to rely on my internet friends as i hardly go outside anymore and thank god i have some that call me or chat and we can “vent” with one another which then keeps us from going on and on about it with the family.
well my last relationship just ended in november and i have to say my illness was the cause of my second divorce and also this breakup. it is just so hard on people you are with they JUST DONT GET how it hurts.
when i wrote my poem “but you look good” i posted it on my fridge and that actually helped. i made everyone read it and it helped them to understand a little i guess.
i feel trapped in this body. i am intelligent and used to be very very outgoing, now i just sit on my bed, pretty much all day, with my laptop and wait for the next day.
trying to sign up for online college to get my bachelors, not because i think i may be able to work again but to make sure my brain does not “dry up”.
online school is the only option there is no way in the world i would make it to an 8 am classon a monday. because at 7 am i got to take my meds and once they kick in it is like i ‘hit a wall’ and i just sleep really deep for at least an hour, than i can slowly get going.
i keep thinking maybe this happend for a reason, otherwise i would take a bottle of pills again in a heartbeat, as long as i have SOME hope things will get better, as far as my financial situation etc. as long as i have that hope i will hang on. its a dim little light of hope but that is all i have and i am holding on to it.
you keep plugging along as well please because your honesty and cander are very refreshing and i really needed to “vent’ today that is why you are finding so many comments. of course they may make no sense at all,but i tried.
have to get off now and rest my eyes are not staying open and i am SO tired.
all the best to you
Christiane
jen Said,
im not quite sure how i stumbled upon your site tonight, but i did & im glad. its nice to see that youre so open with what’s going on in your head and how youre feeling. im quite the opposite, dont like to talk to my family/friends much about whats going on –even though theyre quite aware because my actions speak volumes whenever im going through episodes.
i know exactly what youre going through, and it sucks! ive been struggling with bpd for almost six years now [and am only 20]. have been hospitalized on a few occasions for trying to end my life [overdosing, slicing my wrists, drinking myself into a coma]. either because my head was going so fast that i figured it was the only way to help the situation, or because of the spiraling depression that would follow the manic episode.
once im feeling better i realize that even the thought of suicide is very selfish. but its hard to rationalize or think things through or clearly when youre feeling so helpless. you seem so precious. i hope you’ve been feeling okay lately!
love & best of wishes
Andy Said,
Jo,
You would most definitely be missed. You are an inspiration to me to keep going. When I watch your videos I see myself in many ways..well I’m male but you know what I mean lol One thing I would ask you to try and remember is..people don’t see you how you see yourself. When your depressed its hard to remember that and in fact they usually love you more. But i know what you mean…My family is very understanding and supportive of me and also my friends are and without that I would hate to speculate. Where I have the most trouble is that I live alone, no kids and I’m not the kind of person who wants to be alone like this but this is where i have found myself because almost exactly like you it turns out to be a one sided deal where my honesty , openness, and vulnerability are used against me..then its blamed on the escape goat of my bipolar. When what it really was is that they were not honest in who they presented themselves to be. I cant tell you how many times someone has told me they understand and love me in spite and even because of my hardships then turn around and hurt me more than i could myself. Yet I’m not about to let that stop me from believing in people I just wish I could meet someone who would truly believe in me . I know this world will never be perfect and will always be chaotic. Its my wish that before I die (naturally of course I could find someone to share my life with that could say to themselves in all honesty that they are exactly where they want to be. Happiness is best shared God Bless and know you’ll always have a friend here
You made me cry here,,
i have besides hsp and fibro ,,clinical depression.
and yes i actually tried to kill myself 2 years ago, it was not for attention i had just reached the bottom and did not see any reason to stick around. what was scary that even the thought of my daughter did not stop me, when i get that depressed that i get suicidal ( happens about once a year) i will find EVERY reason why it wont matter to people if i do this. they all tell me they love me and that they wil find me and let me know how upset they are if i ever do it again.
i took a month worth of valium and wrote a ‘last will and testament” that i swear nobody could read because i was crying so much it messed up the ink. but i just did NOT care anymore.
weird thing is, i took the pills, and woke up the next morning with a “hangover”. who survives a month worth of valium?
i was pisssssed off that i woke up if you can believe that. really angry it did not work.
i have not tried since becaue somehow i figure if i woke up from THAT, maybe just maybe there is something i am supposed to do yet, so i make sure i see my shrink regularly and he adjusted my meds for like the 1oth time and i was ok after a few days.
but yeah, i talk about it openly like you do, because i am just a straight forward person and say exactly what is on my mind.
i had an idea for a website very similar to this although the video thing did not cross my mind, but you are SO SO right about needing someone to talk to, the support, etc.
it is hard on the families as well and you always feel like you are just “whining” and actually husband #2 told me that. “must you always whine so much”, all i was trying to do is to relate to him that if he came to bed to please not “rock the bed” because every movement felt like it immedatly hurt all over my body. my kid coming home from school, wants to give me a bear hug and all i can do is say “not so tight pleaaaaaase”.
my mother on the other hand decided “well everyone gets the BLUES sometimes”. not exactly helpful at all.
for support i have to rely on my internet friends as i hardly go outside anymore and thank god i have some that call me or chat and we can “vent” with one another which then keeps us from going on and on about it with the family.
well my last relationship just ended in november and i have to say my illness was the cause of my second divorce and also this breakup. it is just so hard on people you are with they JUST DONT GET how it hurts.
when i wrote my poem “but you look good” i posted it on my fridge and that actually helped. i made everyone read it and it helped them to understand a little i guess.
i feel trapped in this body. i am intelligent and used to be very very outgoing, now i just sit on my bed, pretty much all day, with my laptop and wait for the next day.
trying to sign up for online college to get my bachelors, not because i think i may be able to work again but to make sure my brain does not “dry up”.
online school is the only option there is no way in the world i would make it to an 8 am classon a monday. because at 7 am i got to take my meds and once they kick in it is like i ‘hit a wall’ and i just sleep really deep for at least an hour, than i can slowly get going.
i keep thinking maybe this happend for a reason, otherwise i would take a bottle of pills again in a heartbeat, as long as i have SOME hope things will get better, as far as my financial situation etc. as long as i have that hope i will hang on. its a dim little light of hope but that is all i have and i am holding on to it.
you keep plugging along as well please because your honesty and cander are very refreshing and i really needed to “vent’ today that is why you are finding so many comments. of course they may make no sense at all,but i tried.
have to get off now and rest my eyes are not staying open and i am SO tired.
all the best to you
Christiane
im not quite sure how i stumbled upon your site tonight, but i did & im glad. its nice to see that youre so open with what’s going on in your head and how youre feeling. im quite the opposite, dont like to talk to my family/friends much about whats going on –even though theyre quite aware because my actions speak volumes whenever im going through episodes.
i know exactly what youre going through, and it sucks! ive been struggling with bpd for almost six years now [and am only 20]. have been hospitalized on a few occasions for trying to end my life [overdosing, slicing my wrists, drinking myself into a coma]. either because my head was going so fast that i figured it was the only way to help the situation, or because of the spiraling depression that would follow the manic episode.
once im feeling better i realize that even the thought of suicide is very selfish. but its hard to rationalize or think things through or clearly when youre feeling so helpless. you seem so precious. i hope you’ve been feeling okay lately!
love & best of wishes
Jo,
I could find someone to share my life with that could say to themselves in all honesty that they are exactly where they want to be. Happiness is best shared 
God Bless and know you’ll always have a friend here 
You would most definitely be missed. You are an inspiration to me to keep going. When I watch your videos I see myself in many ways..well I’m male but you know what I mean lol One thing I would ask you to try and remember is..people don’t see you how you see yourself. When your depressed its hard to remember that and in fact they usually love you more. But i know what you mean…My family is very understanding and supportive of me and also my friends are and without that I would hate to speculate. Where I have the most trouble is that I live alone, no kids and I’m not the kind of person who wants to be alone like this but this is where i have found myself because almost exactly like you it turns out to be a one sided deal where my honesty , openness, and vulnerability are used against me..then its blamed on the escape goat of my bipolar. When what it really was is that they were not honest in who they presented themselves to be. I cant tell you how many times someone has told me they understand and love me in spite and even because of my hardships then turn around and hurt me more than i could myself. Yet I’m not about to let that stop me from believing in people I just wish I could meet someone who would truly believe in me . I know this world will never be perfect and will always be chaotic. Its my wish that before I die (naturally of course
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