WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love & Empathy

Hey everyone, I keep meaning to get around to an update, and never get around to it, so here’s a mini update:

After a miserable and I mean MISERABLE labor which ended in an emergency C-Section, our beautiful baby Zia was born, weighing 7lbs 2oz, 18 inches long.  Some complications kept us in the hospital an extra day but we’re both pretty ok now.  She’s almost 5 months old and weighs 17lbs and she’s met all the milestones so far right on target.  I am still recovering, I can’t tell if the process is so slow because of my illnesses or the fact that I’m 9 yrs older than the last time I had a child, or because it was a C-Section but it seems like its taking forever.

I’ve had my disability hearing and think it went well, should know any time now.  Also, we have ALMOST moved to Missouri to be closer to my kids, we’ll complete the move shortly after the first of the year.

I WILL be updating this site with a full update VERY SOON, as of right now I really came on just to tell you all to please watch our Discovery Channel Special this coming Tues the 29th at 9:30 (8:30 central) called ‘I’m pregnant and … Bipolar’.  Reps from Sirens Media, the producers of the series, found me asking questions about some of my meds on a mom message board and asked me to participate.  It entailed a few visits from the camera crew and one of the producers (thanks so much Yana, you were great!) prior to my giving birth and one visit after, filming me going about living my life, interviewing my family and friends, long interviews with myself and Correy, and talking to my home health nurse.   It wasn’t the best experience for me, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat if it helps even one person out there facing the same struggles I did.  If you do watch it, and you do find it enjoyable and educational I strongly encourage you to write to Discovery Health Channel  here : http://extweb.discovery.com/viewerrelations and let them know that these are the types of shows that help us ‘real’ people.  I think its important, not just for people with Bi-Polar as this episode happened to focus on but really for people with ANY illness to be able to see a show about how pregnancy affects them.

Ok, thats it for now my friends, take care, Happy Holidays, and dont forget about the 29th at 9:30/8:30 central!

Jo

Sorry its been so long!!!!

As I mentioned in a previous post, I am pregnant, going into my ninth month (thank goodness lol because I dont know how much longer I can last!) and between the normal pregnancy stuff, the gestational diabetes stuff, and the complications arising from bipolar and fibro during pregnancy, I have just been overwhelmed!

At any rate, I’m back now, and getting ready to post some new videos! Look for them very soon, possibly this weekend if I find the time.

So, onto news…

We found out I’m having a GIRL! Sky was so very excited and happy that I am finally giving her a sister lol. Correy and I cant wait to meet our little one either. She’s done a number on me the last few weeks, I swear she kicks harder than the older two ever did. I have had a rough time also with the gestational diabetes this time around. I failed the one hour test, then could not make it through the three hour test, so I am stuck checking my sugar four times a day. Its not bad, the only thing that ties me up is soda… but I have managed to find a balance, I have cut way down but still have a few a day. I am also not gaining alot of weight with this one, even though I honestly feel like a cow. I am gaining but its all baby, and now I am concerned about her getting too big. I had both my other kids early (36 & 37 weeks) and they both weighed over seven lbs, and Correy was over 9 lbs lol so I KNOW I want to deliver early! As soon as its safe of course.

I have other news as well. A few months ago I was contacted by Discovery Health, they are doing a show called “I’m pregnant and…” a six part series about women who are pregnant and suffer from something else, and they picked me to study and profile about being pregnant and having bipolar. Its been interesting, I love advocacy, and really feel like I am doing my part hopefully reaching and helping others. It won’t be on until winter, but I’ll keep you all posted!

I am doing ok on the no meds, or bare minimum meds I should say. Early on in pregnancy I halved my dose of percocet (they told me it was safe to take for the pain of fibro, I went off it mostly during the first trimester anyway, started taking it through the second trimester at half my dose then began only using it sporadically as needed) now I have weaned off it completely, not because I HAD to, but because I didnt want the baby to be born addicted to it. I am doing ok but there are definately times I NEED it, regular tylenol does NOTHING for me, and now they are lowering the limits on THAT even, but thats another rant for another day….

I am now off everything EXCEPT a small antidepressant, and I am worried about it not being enough to ward off the post pardum blues. I go see a psych doc on Friday, and I plan to discuss my treatment options as well as some possible strategies to help me sleep!

Now I am just waiting for my sweet little baby to arrive! I hope she gets here quickly, my back is killing me and I havent slept in weeks!!

Other than that, I don’t have much news. I miss my babies I visit them every month and treasure my time with them, and my nightly phone calls, but I cant go down there now until after the baby arrives (another reason I am rather impatient about her arrival lol) and I miss the kids so much!!! I cry every night now, I cant wait to introduce them to thier sister!!!!

Thats it for now gang, much love and you will be seeing and hearing more from me soon!

Jo

For awhile now I have wanted to write about this, but a part of me keeps the feelings hidden, its hurtful to me, but I think the time has come for me to open up so others might understand. Well in all honesty I guess it matters very little if others understand or acccept my choices, they are my own and I alone must live with them, but it DOES bother me that certain people look down on me simply because they dont understand.

It started back this past summer. Everything was going well, I had started divorce proceedings, I had started dating Correy, and my ex started dating his fiance. I was up visiting Correy, and my ex calls me and says my kids no longer want to live with me so he was just NOT giving them back. Of all the sneaky underhanded lowlife things he could have done, this was absolutely the last thing I would have expected. I curse myself daily for having put him above such a thing. No one would let me go home that minute, even though I wanted to, but that was probably a good thing in retrospect, because I was a fierce mama bear hell bent on getting my cubs back.

Luckily, being up here gave me time to cool down and think. My kids have ALWAYS come first, and I was letting my pride rule my judgement. People have accused me of ‘giving’ him my kids. I can assure you nothing is further from the truth. If my kids had told me one time they wanted to be with me I would have fought for them every step I took, I would give my dying breath for them, they are my everything. It KILLS me not being there with them everyday, but they decided they wanted to be with Dad. Why? Well I have many theories, I wasnt always the best mom, I admit, especially at that time with the unresolved seizure thing going on and no way to control it I felt pretty useless myself, but my kids would NOT have abandoned me without prompting from SOMEONE, I am not stupid and they tell me what goes on. Add to my illnesses the fact that they often don’t feel like they have the approval of their Dad, and they KNEW they always had my approval, so it made sense to me they wanted to live with him. It broke my heart, but it made sense.

So that left me with a few choices. My first one was pretty well made for me. What kind of mother would I be if I dragged my kids into court and made them testify against me? That would be hurtful to them as well as me and I read up on it, testifying against one parent no matter if its what they wanted, could scar them for life once they are old enough to understand how much everything meant. He might have been more than willing to put them through that but I wasnt. Another choice I made was where I was going to live. I had alot to consider. I had already been (and in some ways continue to be as much as I hate it) a burden to my mother, and Correy was willing to let me stay with him. Besides the fact that I wanted to be around him, it also helped my ego that SOMEONE wanted me around. Coupled with the fact that I didnt know how I could handle being SO CLOSE to my kids and yet not being able to see them everyday, the move was the obvious choice.

Do I regret how things have worked out? I can honestly say, very little. If I had it to do over again there is very little I would change. My kids and I have a great relationship now, even though I miss them every single second of every single day. Correy and I are running smoothly and now we have this wonderful new life on the way. I still have my times (ok pretty frequently) where I feel utterly useless, a burden to my mother as well as to Correy, but I know it wont last, eventually I will fell useful again, until then I just hope my love is enough of a reason to keep me around

It all goes back to something I have said since I was 15 years old and the man that I thought would be the love of my life wanted to leave. ‘If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if not it was never meant to be’ It didnt work out for me then the way I thought it should and now it only proves to me everything happens for a reason. We may not understand them while they are happening, but the reasons become evident to us later on…

Hello to all my friends and Happy New Year!!!

To start, I would like to share some wonderful news, I am expecting my third child in August The kids know and are thrilled… I am going to start sharing my experiences both being pregnant with bipolar and pregnant with fibro. I can tell you for starters it has not been easy dropping all my meds, I am also experiencing more sickness with this one than my other two, but I am dealing with it and know it will be worth it in the end. I have not gone to the doctor yet, the meds I dropped I did by speaking with my primary care doc, but I am hoping they will at least let me have an antidepressant. I don’t want to hurt the baby, but I am constantly in tears and trying to cope. Either way I will make it through its just hard now, anyone with advice it would be appreciated! I see an OB this month, I will keep you all posted.

The fibro pain is also posing a challenge. Any advice from someone who has been here would be great. I had previously heard that you go into remission, however I have yet to see that lol. I am counting down to August, I know once the morning sickness subsides I will feel better.

I am currently working on a new video and should have it ready some time this month. I am excited not only about the pregnancy, but also about the chance to share this experience with others and let people know what I go through, maybe help others with bipolar and fibro get through thier pregnancies. I will share any tips I find helpful and if anyone has any to share please comment, this is a tough time for any woman but more so for women with illnesses, I am hoping that sharing what we go through will be of help to others in similar situations.

Take care all and best wishes for 2009! I will keep posting so keep checking back!

Jo