WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love & Empathy

People want to know what’s bothering me??? I get asked that fifty times a day. I have to admit, I don’t say it all, partly because I don’t want to think about it, partly because I am too lazy to run down the list. So hear it is, most of it anyway, for your reading pleasure…………………….

I am terribly insecure. That’s no secret, anyone who knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve. I worry about EVERY LITTLE TINY THING….. From what I am going to wear today, to the problems in the world. Most of all I worry about the people I love, I never stop thinking of them, and things they are going through, things that happen to them, things that could happen to them. My therapist told me the other day I need to stop living like that, I guess I have a tendency to act in accordance with how I think those that I love will react. Meaning I anticipate that something I want will piss off someone I love, so I don’t do it. BAD GIRL! That’s no way to live your life!

Guilt, oh my GOD so much guilt! Guilt that I lost my job (they laid us all off, no fault of my own), guilt that I cant get a job outside the house, guilt that I cant find another work from home job, guilt that I cant be the type of mom I want to be for my kids, guilt that I cant do all that everyone expects from me………………… You get it right? Guilt is weighing on me right now like 2 tons of bricks on my shoulders.

Along with the guilt comes sadness. I am so incredibly sad every day for all the things I cant do anymore. And panic! I am panicky these days now, its hard to describe, but I am afraid of everything, in crowds I am always looking for the nearest exit, thinking up escape plans in my head. The only time I feel halfway sane is when I am driving, and maybe its because I have made it so that I focus on driving. I keep the music cranked so I don’t hear what the kids are discussing and let my mind worry about what they are talking about, although they are used to it by now, so if they need something, they know they have to address me loud enough to interrupt my routine. They also understand I need to focus on driving for their safety as well, so they are pretty good about letting me drive.

I am growing tired of the fakeness of everything in the world myself included. I am tired of putting up this happy front that everything is ok. I am tired of people lying to me, the truth is so much easier. Am I so horrible that people are afraid to tell me the truth? I hate that about me to, that people think they need to lie to me, I feel guilty.

And to add insult to injury, or maybe injury to insult, I am in a massive flare. Every spot on my body aches, I can’t sleep, I eat but not well, I’m depressed, I’m manic, mind is racing, and on and on it goes. Not to mention, my endo is back. The doc who did the surgery almost three yrs ago, no, its now just a few months over three years said the surgery was a temporary fix, it could help for three months or three years. He was right on the money! I am faced with a tough decision, I can have the same surgery, hold it off a few more years if I am lucky, or go for the hysterectomy. Hysterectomy is a big deal. No one will understand who hasn’t been through it. Its not even the not being able to have kids. It’s the fact that it will throw me into menopause and I am not sure I am ready for that yet. I don’t know if I could handle it, the hormonal imbalance, the mental aspect.

So as you can see, I have a lot going on, and that’s just scratching the surface. Theres more that I am too lazy to type out. Now no one has to ask and I wont volunteer it trust me. I have spilled my guts here and now, and this is the only time we will speak of this……..

Love to you all, and I hope your doing better than I am

Ok so this is going to be a bit of a rant, I can’t help it, I am in a pissy mood, I don’t feel good, and well, deal with it! I do, every day, I deal with it, so I am going to fire back.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it is that pisses me off the most, about myself, about the world, about everything. I think I just need to bitch and get it all off my chest at once, maybe that will help me sleep. Hey I am entitled to dream right!

What pisses me off about myself right now? Well there a whole lot of things, but maybe the worst is the fact that my body is betraying me. I am thirty years old for goodness sake! I should NOT have to tolerate all these aches and pains for doing NORMAL things! Its not like I am doing a freakin triathlon or anything, I am just trying to keep up with my two kids! Take today, I had planned to go, clean a house, take the kids swimming, come home and just plain chill. Well first I get there and my son decides he needs to puke all over the wood floor. Then I get that mess straightened out, and I get to the pool, and the kids have all this new found confidence that has me on edge as they are jumping in the pool, going deeper than they normally would, and I get to panic each time they go under. Not to mention, we find SCORPIONS IN THE POOL!!! They are dead mind you, but how do I know more aren’t in there or on their way to it. So I spent some time scouring the bottom, decide its clean, then sit on alert making sure none are sneaking in off to the side. I know that its anal, but I am worried because even if its dead, if they step on the poison it would still get into their blood stream.

This is a NORMAL day with two active kids! So WHY did I have to come home and take a nap! I had kids early for a reason, I wanted to be the “active” mom, the one who played with the kids instead of WATCHING them play. I feel like such a failure to them that I cant even do normal mom stuff. I can’t get in there and play like I should be able to. There is just only so much I can do before I am completely wiped out and I just crash. They deserve better. I really couldn’t have been blessed with better kids. They have their moments, but they are truly loving caring little balls of light in my dark existence, and they deserve better than me. They deserve a mom that can keep up, that can play all day and still have the energy to sit with them and watch tv, or cook something special for snack, instead of crashing and being useless for the rest of the night. Day after day I wake up and loathe myself even more for all that I can’t do for them. They deserve the best, and they are stuck with me.

This leads me to something else I hate. People don’t understand that although my body is in awful shape, my mind is still always thinking. I am not the brightest person, but I am not stupid, and some people just can’t get that. All this time that my body is failing me, I am sitting here thinking, planning, figuring things out. I hate that people think just because I am sick they can lie to me, or not tell me things. I am a lot of things, stupid is NOT one of them and it disgusts me to be treated like I am. I may not always call people on it, but I know whats going on the majority of the time. To think that I don’t or act that I don’t is the biggest insult anyone can give me. I wish people would give me SOME credit in that department. I have proven that I am halfway intelligent, so don’t treat me like I don’t know whats going on around me. YES I take prescription drugs, NO that doesn’t make me some brain dead zombie. Sometimes I do feel detached, and floating through life, just existing, but my brain doesn’t stop and neither do my feelings. If you have something to say then say it, if you don’t want to talk about it then tell me, I would much rather be told the truth than be ignored and treated as if I didn’t exist. Don’t you think I feel that way enough? Hell don’t you think I wish that enough? But since I AM here, and I DO have feelings, how about talking to me, how about some honesty, I am not a monster either, and I think I am pretty easy going when treated with the common respect and courtesy I treat others with. To all those who happen to be reading this, and a few in particular, DO NOT TAKE THIS AS BEING ALL ABOUT YOU! If I were to get out a piece of paper and write out the number of people this is intended for, the people who have treated me this way past and present, the list who HAD would be far longer than the list that had NOT. Its not even your fault, its MY fault for letting people do this to me.

All is forgiven. I hold no grudges, the purpose of this rant is to show you how I feel and ask that you show a little understanding. I am going through an extremely difficult time in my life, so many changes, so many new challenges, I want to start with a clean slate. This is me taking out a giant eraser and wiping my feelings clean. This is me starting fresh in the hopes that in the future these things don’t happen, that the people who care about me and love me in my life realize that I have feelings and treat me as they would like to be treated. Put yourself in my shoes. For ONE day, I just wish the world would put themselves in my shoes, I wish they could feel the pain I go through in one day, both physically AND emotionally. Actually I don’t, because I would never wish this kind of pain on those I love. My heart aches, and I didn’t know it was possible, but I think the mental anguish I go through on a daily basis brought on by me being hard on myself AND how others treat me is worse than fibro pain. It’s the worst pain I have ever lived with, and I hope by writing this it will ease some. I hope that people start treating me like an intelligent person with feelings. That’s my hope for my bleak future right now. Can everyone out there help me with that? I know sometimes I am distant, theres a reason ok, and from now on, I will be respectful and tell you what I want to talk about and what I don’t. I won’t make you guess anymore if you give me the same. Sometimes I don’t want to talk because I just don’t want to drag others down into the darkness, but I am working on that. Thank you for reading my rant. Ask yourself, has she been there for me? Does she deserve what she’s asking for? Please, if you care, bear with me…………….

To all my friends who wonder or care what I have been up to lately thought I would fill you in:

Its been a difficult few months for me. I have lost my job, and have been applying like crazy to every work from home site I can find, to no avail. I am not going to end up on the streets or anything, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, so please don’t think I am telling you for sympathy or for anyone to worry ok? I will be fine, it’s just very depressing and frustrating so I have been kinda out of the loop and laying low. Know that I am thinking of you all even if I am not always around to say it.

Sis has been busy with softball, generally three nights a week, though this is the last week or is supposed to be anyway. She is my daughter of course so I may be a bit biased but shes truly a GREAT player, she has been playing infield, generally shortstop or second base and I have been so impressed with her performance. I am amazed at how much shes picked up in such a short time. She loves the game but says her real favorite is basketball. I’m thinking of coaching this year, theres always a shortage of coaches, and I want her to really learn how to play all the little rules and all that. Coaching isnt an overly physical job, just have to dedicate time to it, and I am confident I can do that. Will keep you posted when I decide for sure. Until then my little ball player is having a blast just contributing and being part of a team, and they are actually winning more than losing in this league lol so it gives her some self confidence, which of course as I mom I always like to see!

My son is enjoying his summer as well. He played football and they had a good season, I think he liked it, though with him, its more for fun. If he’s not having fun forget it, he wants no part of it. He’s been spending his summer going to his sisters games and swimming whenever possible. He likes to think he’s a good swimmer, but I am still not comfortable with him swimming without his little floaties on. He’s catching on quick though, he’ll get there.

Its been great for me the last few years teaching them how to swim. I wish we had a pool, I am a water baby at heart, and would spend every day swimming if I could, plus its GREAT exercise for people with fibro. We spent three hours in a friends pool yesterday, and I was right there in it with them the entire time (I have the sunburn to prove it OUCH) but it felt soooooo good to be in the water. Not only did I benefit from the exercise, and having fun with the kids, but I don’t spend enough time outdoors and enjoying the sunshine. It was good for all of us, plus we are in a stretch of hundred degree days, so it was great to get alittle relief. I recommend it to everyone, people with fibro have the added benefit that the exercise provides but its a great thing for anyone really.

Aside from that little excursion, I have been pretty well keeping to myself. My daughter and I watched the new Harry Potter movie, I liked it but it did move rather quickly, like they tried to fit it all in you know? I also watched on my own last weekend THE LAKE HOUSE with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. LOVED IT. Highly recommend it if anyone is looking for a nice love story for a rainy day.

Ok, off to cook dinner, love to you all and will write again soon if anyone cares enough to read!

Jo

Every night I sit here, and try and sum up my feelings

try to express how I feel through poetry, but not tonite.

Tonite I am just going to spell it all out, and maybe then I will feel better.

Yes I am going through a separation. Even though I know it has to happen this way, i AM sad. People think that just because someone knows that this is how it has to be that the person making the decision is fine with it.

I’m not. I am sad. Some days I get up and KNOW this is how its gotta be, other times I am riddled with the what ifs, scared of the unknown. Then I sit, and I think, and I remember what prompted these feelings, and I know that this is the right choice right now.

I know my husband will read this, and even if he didnt, some mindless twit would tell him I was talking bad about him. I’m not. My husband is a great guy, and it kills me that I am hurting someone I love. We tried other options, and they didnt work, they didnt help, so this was the only way I could see. I still love him, I will always love him, hes the father of my beautiful babies and I dont regret my time with him ever, not even for a minute. Two people can be great people and just not fit. In my case, I AM THE BAD PERSON. I have issues, I have had them all my life, and I have to work through them my way, because the other ways we tried havent worked. I have to work through all the sorrow in my heart, all the pain, all the dark memories. I have to get through all my fears, my insecurities, and I have to do it on my own. I have no business being involved with anyone until I can know who I am, until I can be happy with who I am, because right now I hate myself for what I have become.

I have started on this process, and it might be long, it might be short, I dont know, I have no guarantees. I have to be this awful selfish person that I hate, I have to ONLY focus my attention on me and my kids because I want to be a good person for THEM, a person they can me proud to call their Mom. I truly believe that we are all here for a purpose, and if we are lucky, we figure out this purpose before we die. After all my self reflection, I decided my purpose is to raise my two wonderful kids and be a person they can look up to, be a person thats a good example for them. I am not setting a good example for them if I hate myself, if everything I do is wrong, if I make stupid mistakes because I dont believe in myself.

How I am right now I cant even tell you. I have so much confusion, I dont know what I believe because its who I am, or because its what people tell me I should. I am just NOW starting to make decisions based on MY thoughts and feelings. I am starting to find a few minutes a day that I actually LIKE who I am. I am starting to believe in myself again, and I think thats SO important in this process of self discovery. I need to find my self worth. Its been buried so long, I thought I would never find it, but every once in a while I catch a glimpse of it, every once in a while I smile a TRUE smile, and its been so long that I hardly recognize it.

I have been stale, stagnant, and stuck in my rut for so long. Its no ones fault but mine, I havent spoken up, I cant decide if I couldnt find my voice, or if I had no voice. When I think back, I dont know if I ever had a voice to begin with. I am finally going to stop being lead around by the nose, and wearing my heart on my sleeve for the world to see. I will always hate myself for hurting my husband. He is a good man who did what he thought he should, but I cant take it anymore. I need to find ME, buried deep down inside, I have to be selfish to find out who my”self” really is. I have to find away to love myself before anyone can love me, and I have to figure out what MY hopes and dreams are so I can follow them. No one can do it for me. Its MY life, and MY choices. I have stood idly by and let others make my every decision, let others tell me what I felt about things, how I felt about things.

Its mean and its selfish, but its how i am right now, its how I have to be for now, and though my heart breaks, there is no other way anymore.

Sorry if I am not around as much guys, know I love you all, but I dont know how to be a friend to anyone when I dont know how to be MY OWN friend.

Take care all, your in my thoughts, until next time,

Jo