WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love

Ok let me preface this by saying I AM NOT WHINING!!!!!!!! I am just venting because sometimes its a little too much to bear on my own, plus some of u might wonder where I have been LOL.

I have had a massive struggle as of late with about every part of my damn body. Some of u might know I am going to school online now as I lost my job in June and I gotta do something. This past week I had not only my normal assignments but an added 1250 word essay (my first EVER) and a mid term, plus 38 pages of reading out of a textbook (BIG yawn!) I am terribly horibly manic and i am being used as a guinea pig, unfortunately no drug has worked yet, but they do knock me out, a huge plus, most nites anyway, last nite I couldnt sleep to save my life, and have no idea why, it wasnt pain it was my brain not stopping……….

Anyway, THAT is all going on, plus the kids of course, and all the fun mommy stuff, plus Thanksgiving which I do all by myself, plus a sinus infection I have had for 3 months, NO JOKE, i went to the dentist because I have a partial plate and its ill fitting to the point its rubbing sores on my mouth cuz it broke and I have no money to fix it, the dentist said I have the sinus infection because I have my left top wisdom tooth pressing ON my sinus cavity, effectively blocking it, so bacteria has a place to grow (I know, ewwwww). So my mom is helping me get ALL my top teeth out and a full upper plate put in……………………………….

Then the other nite I think I passed a kidney stone, I will spare u the details but I about passed out from the pain, and that is SO not me, kidney STILL has a dull ache (lower right) and am afraid I will have more episodes like the other nite

Not to mention Christmas is almost here……………………..

Well you get my point, I am to the point of crying whenever I let myself think of all the things I have going on, dont get me wrong, I am so very thankful for what I DO have, but my health isnt one of them! I HATE BEING SICK!!!!!!!

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant for a bit. Its hard to keep the smiley face on right now

I just want you all to know even if I am not around you r in my thoughts and prayers and I am wishing us all better days

Take care, til next time!

Jo

Just thought I would check in with everyone today. I am doing alot of writing lately about bipolar rather than fibro, and I just wanted everyone to know, its only because of the mixed episode that is plaguing me right now that I cant seem to shake…… Other than that, lets see what I can update you all on………

I am feeling pretty crappy, besides the bipolar my fibro is flaring because I have a sinus infection from my damn allergies that just wont quit. I am going back to my doc on Tues, I really hope to get everything squared away. I feel miserable, and its getting harder and harder to keep this well worn fake smile on my face. I have so much going on mentally, physically and emotionally I feel like I am never going to get it all straight!!!!

The kids are doing well. They both love school and Sky got her midterms, straight A’s! Pay is having trouble keeping his mouth shut when he is supposed to be listening, big surprise there, the boy was practically BORN talking, but we are working on it, I am confident by next quarter he will be back in his groove. He has a Christmas thing he will be in, doesnt say much about it other than he is excited, and of course Sky will have a Christmas Choir thing that shes really looking forward to. Her teacher has them singing all these foreign language songs, whatever happened to good old fashioned Christmas Carols????? Shes ten, I want to hear frosty, silent night etc.

Extended family has had some issues as of late that really bother me. One male family member wont talk to the rest of the family and has decided his new wife and kids is his new family and left the state without even seeing his own son. Don’t know if I am more pissed or upset for the boy, he is five yrs old, he hasnt done anything to his dad to be treated so poorly……

Anyway, hope all are well, busy week for me, I have been plugging along between doctors visits, and I am going Tuesday to find out if a state program will pay for me to go to school online for my business degree. Wish me luck, they HAVE paid for plenty of people to go to school, but I would be the FIRST to go to school online, so it’s kind of a big deal.

Take care all, until next time!

Jo

Some days I honestly feel like i don’t know ANYTHING anymore. Nothing makes sense. I would give anything to make this pain disappear. I don’t know what hurts worse, my inside pain or my outside pain. I am SO sad and depressed lately its becoming unbearable.

I thought I was all set, finally have insurance, got an appointment with a doc that I have waited a LONG time for (because i had no insurance) and he disappoints me by not just saying ‘take this and lets wait and see’ but giving me yet ANOTHER pill to add to my ever growing pharmacy AND its one I have previously tried that didnt work!

So I call my old Doc, he delivered my daughter, he’s been my doctor on and off for eleven years and the only reason I didn’t call him in the first place is because I owe him eighty dollars, which i shouldn’t owe him since I had paid for everything upfront last time, but ok fine, I will go ahead and pay it. I call and try to make an appointment, she asks what my insurance is, which I know he takes it because I looked him up on their provider list BEFORE I picked the insurance, and the receptionist tells me that he ‘has no appointments available for someone with that insurance’. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Like ever? He is booked through eternity for everyone with my insurance? Then how did I lose MY spot?

What bothers me the most I think is the total lack of concern for people. I’m not a number, I’m not an insurance card, I’m a person. Why doesn’t anyone care that I am sick? Why doesn’t the doctor who brought my first born into this world, who was with me through my last health scare, and who I have turned to with every problem in the last eleven years, care one bit about me anymore just because of my insurance?

Its all money, thats what this world has come to, money money money. My emotions are in over drive too so this doesnt help. Considering the fact that al people care about is money, and I have none, then I feel like I dont count. I feel worthless and trapped in my hopelessness. I’m falling into a dark hole, and every once in a while on the long trip down I get hope, a tree branch, flimsy, but sticking out just enough for me to grab on to. I get excited, and I hold on to that twig for dear life only to have it snap in my fingers, sending me sailing down into the black depths of despair.

People say I should talk about it. I reach out, I try anyway, but when theres no hand to hold onto, whats the point? I want more than anything to be able to find that ONE hand that wont let go. I have a few people that care, and I am so grateful for that, but I am still feeling so alone, so dark, so confused and just so damn worthless. I can’t reign that in. I need to find the purpose in my life again. Yes the kids of course, my number one most important job is mom, but what about me? Who the hell am I and what do I want? Day in and day out that same question burns in my mind, what do i want thats JUST FOR ME? I dont know, and all the while as I try and figure it out, the hole gets darker and deeper and I fall faster and faster. Maybe this is my destiny. To just vanish, fade away, alone, lonely.

The only thing I know, with all my heart, is that I have love to give, and some people they return that love, Can one live on love alone? i just don’t know anymore, I just dont know ANYTHING anymore. I hope everyone I love knows I love them. Maybe thats all I’m meant to do is love…………………………………………

People want to know what’s bothering me??? I get asked that fifty times a day. I have to admit, I don’t say it all, partly because I don’t want to think about it, partly because I am too lazy to run down the list. So hear it is, most of it anyway, for your reading pleasure…………………….

I am terribly insecure. That’s no secret, anyone who knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve. I worry about EVERY LITTLE TINY THING….. From what I am going to wear today, to the problems in the world. Most of all I worry about the people I love, I never stop thinking of them, and things they are going through, things that happen to them, things that could happen to them. My therapist told me the other day I need to stop living like that, I guess I have a tendency to act in accordance with how I think those that I love will react. Meaning I anticipate that something I want will piss off someone I love, so I don’t do it. BAD GIRL! That’s no way to live your life!

Guilt, oh my GOD so much guilt! Guilt that I lost my job (they laid us all off, no fault of my own), guilt that I cant get a job outside the house, guilt that I cant find another work from home job, guilt that I cant be the type of mom I want to be for my kids, guilt that I cant do all that everyone expects from me………………… You get it right? Guilt is weighing on me right now like 2 tons of bricks on my shoulders.

Along with the guilt comes sadness. I am so incredibly sad every day for all the things I cant do anymore. And panic! I am panicky these days now, its hard to describe, but I am afraid of everything, in crowds I am always looking for the nearest exit, thinking up escape plans in my head. The only time I feel halfway sane is when I am driving, and maybe its because I have made it so that I focus on driving. I keep the music cranked so I don’t hear what the kids are discussing and let my mind worry about what they are talking about, although they are used to it by now, so if they need something, they know they have to address me loud enough to interrupt my routine. They also understand I need to focus on driving for their safety as well, so they are pretty good about letting me drive.

I am growing tired of the fakeness of everything in the world myself included. I am tired of putting up this happy front that everything is ok. I am tired of people lying to me, the truth is so much easier. Am I so horrible that people are afraid to tell me the truth? I hate that about me to, that people think they need to lie to me, I feel guilty.

And to add insult to injury, or maybe injury to insult, I am in a massive flare. Every spot on my body aches, I can’t sleep, I eat but not well, I’m depressed, I’m manic, mind is racing, and on and on it goes. Not to mention, my endo is back. The doc who did the surgery almost three yrs ago, no, its now just a few months over three years said the surgery was a temporary fix, it could help for three months or three years. He was right on the money! I am faced with a tough decision, I can have the same surgery, hold it off a few more years if I am lucky, or go for the hysterectomy. Hysterectomy is a big deal. No one will understand who hasn’t been through it. Its not even the not being able to have kids. It’s the fact that it will throw me into menopause and I am not sure I am ready for that yet. I don’t know if I could handle it, the hormonal imbalance, the mental aspect.

So as you can see, I have a lot going on, and that’s just scratching the surface. Theres more that I am too lazy to type out. Now no one has to ask and I wont volunteer it trust me. I have spilled my guts here and now, and this is the only time we will speak of this……..

Love to you all, and I hope your doing better than I am