Jan 27, 2008
Archive for January, 2008
Jan 15, 2008
The Maze of Darkness
I feel like I am in a maze. Its dark. I’m cold on the inside and scared. There is no light in any direction and I am panicking. I just want to find my way out but its so dark, I keep walking into the walls and it hurts so bad. Why cant I find the right path? I just need a sliver of light, just a tiny little reminder of the path I am to take. I stumble, the rocks are sharp, biting into my knees, I get up, I walk faster. I hit a wall and fall backwards. The fall has me disoriented, I slowly get to my feet, I turn left, at lleast I think I do, its hard to tell, I walk cautiously with my hands out in front of me, I feel another wall, or is it the same one I just hit? Who knows, its a wall, its hard, solid, I cannot pass so I feel my way along the edge, down I go again, damn rocks. I get up, brush off my bloody battered knees, and I keep walking……….. I guess I will keep walking until I see a beacon, a sign I am on the right path, or until I fall over from exhaustion and give up. I’m just so cold…………
Jan 1, 2008
An entry about confusion
I feel like I want to talk but don’t quite know what to say. I would say that the pendulum of my bipolar has shifted more towards the depression side than the mania, but still my mind is racing from one thought to the next and I can’t get it to stop. So I guess I will just start rambling………………
Christmas came and went this year with little fanfare. Just before Christmas I told myself I would not kill myself before the holidays, because then my kids would always associate the holidays with my death. I am glad I didnt of course, because the one bright spot of the last few months was the look on thier faces when they got exactly what they had asked for. I will never forget thier excitement when they saw their Nintendo DSes.
A big part of me is saying ‘now what?’. I have so much yet so little and I don’t know what to cling to. Do I cling to my babies? Is that fair to them? Or should I cling to my uncertain future? Day to day has become excruciating for me, the trying to pretend everything is ok part. Its not, I am scared and uncertain about whats before me. I have all kinds of high hopes but I can’t bank on them because I have been this hopeful before and had those hopes crushed. I am not saying I regret it even, but I don’t want to set myself up for the letdown because I feel that it will be my last, I won’t recover, so it’s like I want to shut it down before it happens. Maybe I feel like I don’t deserve it. What do I deserve? I just don’t know, wish I did!
Why don’t I think I deserve it? Well, what good am I? I wake up every day barely able to move and nothing works to help it. My thoughts are jumbled, by the time they are clear its late in the day, and by then I ache more than I did in the morning so its hard to do anything. I am sharp as a tack in the evenings, but what good could that POSSIBLY do me when I can’t move? I write, but I have written alot and it seems no one who can do anything for me thinks I write well. I always get the ‘thanks but you’re not for us at this time’ letters. SO what is it that I CAN do? I don’t think I am a great mom to the kids because some days I can’t do the things normal moms do. I can’t be a good mom, and I can’t write, my two dreams in life, so what is left for me? Your guess is as good as mine………………………………………..