WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love

Just thought I would check in with everyone today. I am doing alot of writing lately about bipolar rather than fibro, and I just wanted everyone to know, its only because of the mixed episode that is plaguing me right now that I cant seem to shake…… Other than that, lets see what I can update you all on………

I am feeling pretty crappy, besides the bipolar my fibro is flaring because I have a sinus infection from my damn allergies that just wont quit. I am going back to my doc on Tues, I really hope to get everything squared away. I feel miserable, and its getting harder and harder to keep this well worn fake smile on my face. I have so much going on mentally, physically and emotionally I feel like I am never going to get it all straight!!!!

The kids are doing well. They both love school and Sky got her midterms, straight A’s! Pay is having trouble keeping his mouth shut when he is supposed to be listening, big surprise there, the boy was practically BORN talking, but we are working on it, I am confident by next quarter he will be back in his groove. He has a Christmas thing he will be in, doesnt say much about it other than he is excited, and of course Sky will have a Christmas Choir thing that shes really looking forward to. Her teacher has them singing all these foreign language songs, whatever happened to good old fashioned Christmas Carols????? Shes ten, I want to hear frosty, silent night etc.

Extended family has had some issues as of late that really bother me. One male family member wont talk to the rest of the family and has decided his new wife and kids is his new family and left the state without even seeing his own son. Don’t know if I am more pissed or upset for the boy, he is five yrs old, he hasnt done anything to his dad to be treated so poorly……

Anyway, hope all are well, busy week for me, I have been plugging along between doctors visits, and I am going Tuesday to find out if a state program will pay for me to go to school online for my business degree. Wish me luck, they HAVE paid for plenty of people to go to school, but I would be the FIRST to go to school online, so it’s kind of a big deal.

Take care all, until next time!

Jo

What is depression? I think its different things to different people. Even asking me personally what it is, I have trouble answering. To me, its the feeling of utter hopelessness, the darkness that engulfs me down to my very soul, the uncertainty that is LIFE creeping up and knocking you off that well worn track.

When I am experiencing depression, it does more than just affect my mood, it affects my actions, clouds my judgments, influences my decisions. It takes over my life, I have trouble thinking about anything other than the hopelessness I feel. I have nothing I look forward to, I am listless, dragging myself out of bed only out of sheer necessity, if I didn’t get up and take the kids to school, feed them, clothe them, who would? Yes I know they have a Dad and they have other family, but if thats all you have you cling to it. Then when I realize how little I actually do, and start feeling completely worthless, I start thinking maybe they would be better off with someone else raising them.

Thats when the judgment starts getting blurry, my actions influenced by the dark hand squeezing tight on my heart. My mind wanders, I become listless, nothing is fun or exciting. I start thinking what would it be like if I steer the car towards the water, if I took a few more pills than I should to numb the pain. Then one day the pain is not even there, its just a cold empty void where feeling used to be. Then when decisions are supposed to be made, questions answered, even little ones, I just don’t. I don’t answer, I decide not to decide, I just let go. I stop LIVING, and I let life just HAPPEN to me……….

How do you get past it? I wish I knew. I have no idea how to ‘get over’ the numbness, how to get the feelings back. I wish everyday for that tidal wave of emotion but it doesn’t happen. At the end of the day I can’t make my brain think or my heart care about much of anything other than just existing, sometimes just the thought of that alone is too painful and empty to bear………..

Some days I honestly feel like i don’t know ANYTHING anymore. Nothing makes sense. I would give anything to make this pain disappear. I don’t know what hurts worse, my inside pain or my outside pain. I am SO sad and depressed lately its becoming unbearable.

I thought I was all set, finally have insurance, got an appointment with a doc that I have waited a LONG time for (because i had no insurance) and he disappoints me by not just saying ‘take this and lets wait and see’ but giving me yet ANOTHER pill to add to my ever growing pharmacy AND its one I have previously tried that didnt work!

So I call my old Doc, he delivered my daughter, he’s been my doctor on and off for eleven years and the only reason I didn’t call him in the first place is because I owe him eighty dollars, which i shouldn’t owe him since I had paid for everything upfront last time, but ok fine, I will go ahead and pay it. I call and try to make an appointment, she asks what my insurance is, which I know he takes it because I looked him up on their provider list BEFORE I picked the insurance, and the receptionist tells me that he ‘has no appointments available for someone with that insurance’. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Like ever? He is booked through eternity for everyone with my insurance? Then how did I lose MY spot?

What bothers me the most I think is the total lack of concern for people. I’m not a number, I’m not an insurance card, I’m a person. Why doesn’t anyone care that I am sick? Why doesn’t the doctor who brought my first born into this world, who was with me through my last health scare, and who I have turned to with every problem in the last eleven years, care one bit about me anymore just because of my insurance?

Its all money, thats what this world has come to, money money money. My emotions are in over drive too so this doesnt help. Considering the fact that al people care about is money, and I have none, then I feel like I dont count. I feel worthless and trapped in my hopelessness. I’m falling into a dark hole, and every once in a while on the long trip down I get hope, a tree branch, flimsy, but sticking out just enough for me to grab on to. I get excited, and I hold on to that twig for dear life only to have it snap in my fingers, sending me sailing down into the black depths of despair.

People say I should talk about it. I reach out, I try anyway, but when theres no hand to hold onto, whats the point? I want more than anything to be able to find that ONE hand that wont let go. I have a few people that care, and I am so grateful for that, but I am still feeling so alone, so dark, so confused and just so damn worthless. I can’t reign that in. I need to find the purpose in my life again. Yes the kids of course, my number one most important job is mom, but what about me? Who the hell am I and what do I want? Day in and day out that same question burns in my mind, what do i want thats JUST FOR ME? I dont know, and all the while as I try and figure it out, the hole gets darker and deeper and I fall faster and faster. Maybe this is my destiny. To just vanish, fade away, alone, lonely.

The only thing I know, with all my heart, is that I have love to give, and some people they return that love, Can one live on love alone? i just don’t know anymore, I just dont know ANYTHING anymore. I hope everyone I love knows I love them. Maybe thats all I’m meant to do is love…………………………………………