WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love & Empathy

Ok I know what some of you are thinking…. What Dog? And even more might be saying, ya so??? Well let me back track alittle and tell you the WHOLE story…..

Dog the Bounty Hunter is a show, and a man on A&E, the show chronicles the life of this notorious Bounty Hunter and his team as well as some touching personal family moments. It’s a great show, and in my opinion he’s a great guy doing a very tough job. There’s a reason that I like and respect the guy, hes been through a lot, he hasn’t always made the right choices, but he has persevered and managed to become somewhat of a posterboy for turning negatives into positives. Last I checked, I had far more of the former than the latter, so when he talks, I listen, and tips I can use would be so helpful, plus he wrote a book, which you all know is a dream of mine, he really gives me hope.

SSSSOOOO…. When his book came out I bought it, I wanted to soak it all up and see what I could apply to my own life, not to mention that its quite entertaining and a great read. I finished the whole thing in two days, a feat in itself as I haven’t been able to do that since fibro hit but also it left me with a renewed sense of hope. If Dog could do all this why couldn’t I? etc etc. My daughter is also a big fan of the show, she likes how he tries to HELP the people he captures, not just ok, got that one, now on to the next. I allow her to watch the show because I think Dog and his wife Beth as well as the rest of the team are great examples of compassion, which is an important trait I try to instill in both my children. She loves Beth the most, she really admires and looks up to her, so when I heard that Dog was going to be in our state at a book signing, I decided that even though it was three hours away from us I was going to try to get her there, even though those drives KILL ME for days after, IF Beth was going to be there.

I located an email address for questions and I asked if Beth would be at the signing. I was promptly answered that she would be there. So I shot another email, asking if we brought some Dog merchandise with us would she sign it for my daughter, explaining how big a fan she was etc, to which I received another prompt response, not only would they do that, but if I told someone to tell them that I had arrived, we would be brought to the front of the line and get to take a picture with her! My daughter was thrilled at the opportunity to meet Beth, she begged me and pleaded, so of course I said yes.

Well then came the complications. Apparently I read the dates wrong, and they were having the signing the day of my daughters first day of school. I agonized over this, but honestly, its not like we are going to go to Hawaii any time soon, when else would we have this type of opportunity. I emailed the poor soul again, a few times actually, trying to get everything straight in my head, which you KNOW how difficult that is with fibro! But I managed to get everything squared away, and even though it was a three hour drive each way, I figured we could manage it, pick them up by three, there by six, an hour there hopefully if we got brought to the front of the line, then three hours back, that put us home by ten, so I said ok. Then we go to orientation for school and find out they have EXTENDED the school day this year and she is no longer out by three. Well I had to make a decision. The book signing started at six, so we HAD to leave by three, because even though we were told we would be brought up to the front, I felt like we should be there when it started so it would be fair. So I made the decision to pull her and her brother out of school a few minutes early, as I said, it was a once in a life time chance that would mean so much to her, and it was only the first day of school so I didn’t think I would be interrupting any “learning” time.

So the day arrives. I pick the kids up early and they are just psyched, but daughter had a headache, so we had to make one stop to get ibuprophen so she wouldn’t be miserable the whole trip. The stop took a bit longer than expected, but that’s ok, we are still ahead of schedule by a few minutes. Then we need to stop and get food. My mil, who is going with us, says theres this great little place on the way, its not a fast food place but she assures me they are quick, so we stop. Well they weren’t so quick…. That stop took 20 minutes when I had only planned on stopping MAYBE five for a drive thru. I figure I can make it up on the interstate.

We got there after only ONE wrong turn, which was great considering I had never been there before, and we got there at about 5:45, so I still was on schedule. We see mass chaos. No parking ANYWHERE!!!!! At a Wal-Mart!!!!! I ended up parking on the grass in a side lot next to a dumpster. There were already cars parked there so I figured it was fine, though later I had a note on my car full of obscenities saying we blocked someone in, which I don’t understand how, because the car in front of me had all the room in the world to get out going the other way, plus there were about eight cars parked there ALREADY, but I digress….and we made the trek in, noting that there was a radio station broadcasting live and tons of people, plus a line going around the building outside. The email I received said “When you get there. Ask someone official to let [name omitted] know that Jo and her daughter have arrived and we will bring you up”, so we went in the front door and went to where someone was selling his books, told her the message and asked where to go. She sent us to the back, so off we went, we found an employee along the way and both kids had to go to the restroom so we asked where one was, and he told us where to go, it was on our way, so we stopped there first. When we tried to go in the security stopped us saying those were locked because of Dogs appearance, and sent us back to the front where we had just came from. So we went back, let my son go, then went back to the back of the store to where the first girl had said to go. We then explained to that guy the situation, and he sent us back up front. Now the attitude of these people, let me explain, basically we were asking who could help us, and they were saying ‘I don’t care I can’t help you and I can’t be bothered getting on my little walkie talkie and finding someone who can so go away and try someone else.’ As my mother in law and I are both disabled, this was difficult for us, and all we were asking was, who do we talk to, who can help us?

We were pissed by the time we got to the front again, and we asked to talk to a manager. Thankfully that guy was GREAT. He had dealt personally with the person who sent me the email, so he brought us to the back (again!!!!) and had us take a seat while he found the main manager. Meanwhile as we were sitting there, we were talked about by the employees who had all congregated in the back so they could meet Dog before the customers, and they were talking rudely about us RIGHT IN FRONT OF US, saying why are they here to each other. Wouldn’t it be common decency to ask US as we were sitting right there???? Finally one of them brought a security person over and he asked why we were there. We told them who had brought us back, who we were told to wait for, and the email story as well. He questioned me repeatedly, trying to gauge my story until I offered to show him my emails. Then satisfied I was being honest he let us be. The main guy we were told to wait for arrived, and he told us the email guy hadn’t arrived yet, neither had Dog, and he would be sure to tell him when he got there that we were there and waiting. He was nice like the other guy who had brought us to him. So we waited, meanwhile the other employees continued to pile into the backroom to meet Dog first, and continued to talk about us.

We waited about 35 minutes, finally we heard an eruption of applause from the back and figured he was there. The man who sent the email came out but was talking to the manager. He walked by us and I heard him saying “who were all those people back there?” and the response “employees” then “why were they all standing back there like that”, the answer I missed because they were walking fast, but I got the impression he wasn’t pleased with the arrangement. I have no confirmation of this, but the impression I got from the tone of the conversation was that arrangements had been made clear by the Dog camp and they were not followed and people were displeased. When he walked back by us my mother in law tried to speak to him, but he said he was busy (which he was) and kept walking. I didn’t expect him to drop everything, however my mil was insulted and I was still unsure if he had been told we were there, if it mattered, etc. I understood his curtness, given the mess the store was in, it was a mad house, so I was content to wait a bit longer.

Next thing we know, the door flies open and out comes Dog and Beth flanked by security. It was cool to see, I could hear Beth saying “No no, you need to be 4 or 5 steps ahead”. They walked too fast for me to get a picture, and soon, the line waiting for autographs started moving. They were followed by a lot of pissed off employees, I guess they said it would take the whole two hours he was scheduled to be there just to sign and pose with them, which I agreed with, it didn’t seem fair. My kids were whiny from the wait, my mil were sore from sitting there on the bench, and she started telling me the guy lied, we aren’t getting to meet him etc. Well I kept saying have faith, it will happen, its busy who knows if he even knows we are here and so on. My mil starts saying forget it, lets get out of here, the guy lied, lets face it, theres no way we are going to get to meet him……… I have to say I was having my doubts, but I said you know what, I drove THREE HOURS to get here, I am NOT leaving until I know for sure that the guy has been told we are waiting and they tell me he can’t meet us. I brought up the email on my cell to prove my story, I showed the layaway clerk, and she said she would go to the front desk and talk to her manager for us. I also showed the head security guy standing back with us but he was incredibly rude and said “yeah I see it, but what do you want me to do about it” I was just about to tell him how sick I was of his rudeness, when all of a sudden the guy who promised to tell the guy who emailed me that I was there showed up, with a big body guard and signaled to us.

All of a sudden we were whisked (FAST) past the entire line and deposited in front of Dog himself before I even had a chance to get my camera out. So no picture, BUT, myself, my son, my daughter and my mil got our autographs, my daughter gave Dog a note which he said he’d keep forever, Beth told my daughter she looked like a friend of hers, I shook hands with Dog and Beth and thanked them both soooo much for all they do and for meeting us, and it was over. It was maybe two minutes total, that we drove SIX HOURS for, but the way my daughter looked at me, I was her hero for once for making her dream come true, it was all worth it. Its all she talked about the whole way home.

For any of you who are wondering what Dog and Beth are like in person I can tell you, they are very humble, real and approachable just like they appear to be on tv. Dog looked nervous and tired (from the look at his schedule on his site I can assume he was VERY tired) yet he still smiled at us, patted my son on his head, and shook all our hands. Beth was very sweet to us, and I will never forget or regret my trip. I am EXHAUSTED, and very sore, and I am sure I will be for a few days yet as trips like that take a lot out of me, but it was worth it and if I had it to do over again I would, with the exception that I would have my camera out and ready! I can’t thank Dog, Beth and the person who made it all possible enough for making me a hero in my daughters eyes in a time when it seems like all I do is disappoint her because of the many things I CAN’T do for her because of my illness.

People want to know what’s bothering me??? I get asked that fifty times a day. I have to admit, I don’t say it all, partly because I don’t want to think about it, partly because I am too lazy to run down the list. So hear it is, most of it anyway, for your reading pleasure…………………….

I am terribly insecure. That’s no secret, anyone who knows me knows I wear my heart on my sleeve. I worry about EVERY LITTLE TINY THING….. From what I am going to wear today, to the problems in the world. Most of all I worry about the people I love, I never stop thinking of them, and things they are going through, things that happen to them, things that could happen to them. My therapist told me the other day I need to stop living like that, I guess I have a tendency to act in accordance with how I think those that I love will react. Meaning I anticipate that something I want will piss off someone I love, so I don’t do it. BAD GIRL! That’s no way to live your life!

Guilt, oh my GOD so much guilt! Guilt that I lost my job (they laid us all off, no fault of my own), guilt that I cant get a job outside the house, guilt that I cant find another work from home job, guilt that I cant be the type of mom I want to be for my kids, guilt that I cant do all that everyone expects from me………………… You get it right? Guilt is weighing on me right now like 2 tons of bricks on my shoulders.

Along with the guilt comes sadness. I am so incredibly sad every day for all the things I cant do anymore. And panic! I am panicky these days now, its hard to describe, but I am afraid of everything, in crowds I am always looking for the nearest exit, thinking up escape plans in my head. The only time I feel halfway sane is when I am driving, and maybe its because I have made it so that I focus on driving. I keep the music cranked so I don’t hear what the kids are discussing and let my mind worry about what they are talking about, although they are used to it by now, so if they need something, they know they have to address me loud enough to interrupt my routine. They also understand I need to focus on driving for their safety as well, so they are pretty good about letting me drive.

I am growing tired of the fakeness of everything in the world myself included. I am tired of putting up this happy front that everything is ok. I am tired of people lying to me, the truth is so much easier. Am I so horrible that people are afraid to tell me the truth? I hate that about me to, that people think they need to lie to me, I feel guilty.

And to add insult to injury, or maybe injury to insult, I am in a massive flare. Every spot on my body aches, I can’t sleep, I eat but not well, I’m depressed, I’m manic, mind is racing, and on and on it goes. Not to mention, my endo is back. The doc who did the surgery almost three yrs ago, no, its now just a few months over three years said the surgery was a temporary fix, it could help for three months or three years. He was right on the money! I am faced with a tough decision, I can have the same surgery, hold it off a few more years if I am lucky, or go for the hysterectomy. Hysterectomy is a big deal. No one will understand who hasn’t been through it. Its not even the not being able to have kids. It’s the fact that it will throw me into menopause and I am not sure I am ready for that yet. I don’t know if I could handle it, the hormonal imbalance, the mental aspect.

So as you can see, I have a lot going on, and that’s just scratching the surface. Theres more that I am too lazy to type out. Now no one has to ask and I wont volunteer it trust me. I have spilled my guts here and now, and this is the only time we will speak of this……..

Love to you all, and I hope your doing better than I am

Ok so this is going to be a bit of a rant, I can’t help it, I am in a pissy mood, I don’t feel good, and well, deal with it! I do, every day, I deal with it, so I am going to fire back.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it is that pisses me off the most, about myself, about the world, about everything. I think I just need to bitch and get it all off my chest at once, maybe that will help me sleep. Hey I am entitled to dream right!

What pisses me off about myself right now? Well there a whole lot of things, but maybe the worst is the fact that my body is betraying me. I am thirty years old for goodness sake! I should NOT have to tolerate all these aches and pains for doing NORMAL things! Its not like I am doing a freakin triathlon or anything, I am just trying to keep up with my two kids! Take today, I had planned to go, clean a house, take the kids swimming, come home and just plain chill. Well first I get there and my son decides he needs to puke all over the wood floor. Then I get that mess straightened out, and I get to the pool, and the kids have all this new found confidence that has me on edge as they are jumping in the pool, going deeper than they normally would, and I get to panic each time they go under. Not to mention, we find SCORPIONS IN THE POOL!!! They are dead mind you, but how do I know more aren’t in there or on their way to it. So I spent some time scouring the bottom, decide its clean, then sit on alert making sure none are sneaking in off to the side. I know that its anal, but I am worried because even if its dead, if they step on the poison it would still get into their blood stream.

This is a NORMAL day with two active kids! So WHY did I have to come home and take a nap! I had kids early for a reason, I wanted to be the “active” mom, the one who played with the kids instead of WATCHING them play. I feel like such a failure to them that I cant even do normal mom stuff. I can’t get in there and play like I should be able to. There is just only so much I can do before I am completely wiped out and I just crash. They deserve better. I really couldn’t have been blessed with better kids. They have their moments, but they are truly loving caring little balls of light in my dark existence, and they deserve better than me. They deserve a mom that can keep up, that can play all day and still have the energy to sit with them and watch tv, or cook something special for snack, instead of crashing and being useless for the rest of the night. Day after day I wake up and loathe myself even more for all that I can’t do for them. They deserve the best, and they are stuck with me.

This leads me to something else I hate. People don’t understand that although my body is in awful shape, my mind is still always thinking. I am not the brightest person, but I am not stupid, and some people just can’t get that. All this time that my body is failing me, I am sitting here thinking, planning, figuring things out. I hate that people think just because I am sick they can lie to me, or not tell me things. I am a lot of things, stupid is NOT one of them and it disgusts me to be treated like I am. I may not always call people on it, but I know whats going on the majority of the time. To think that I don’t or act that I don’t is the biggest insult anyone can give me. I wish people would give me SOME credit in that department. I have proven that I am halfway intelligent, so don’t treat me like I don’t know whats going on around me. YES I take prescription drugs, NO that doesn’t make me some brain dead zombie. Sometimes I do feel detached, and floating through life, just existing, but my brain doesn’t stop and neither do my feelings. If you have something to say then say it, if you don’t want to talk about it then tell me, I would much rather be told the truth than be ignored and treated as if I didn’t exist. Don’t you think I feel that way enough? Hell don’t you think I wish that enough? But since I AM here, and I DO have feelings, how about talking to me, how about some honesty, I am not a monster either, and I think I am pretty easy going when treated with the common respect and courtesy I treat others with. To all those who happen to be reading this, and a few in particular, DO NOT TAKE THIS AS BEING ALL ABOUT YOU! If I were to get out a piece of paper and write out the number of people this is intended for, the people who have treated me this way past and present, the list who HAD would be far longer than the list that had NOT. Its not even your fault, its MY fault for letting people do this to me.

All is forgiven. I hold no grudges, the purpose of this rant is to show you how I feel and ask that you show a little understanding. I am going through an extremely difficult time in my life, so many changes, so many new challenges, I want to start with a clean slate. This is me taking out a giant eraser and wiping my feelings clean. This is me starting fresh in the hopes that in the future these things don’t happen, that the people who care about me and love me in my life realize that I have feelings and treat me as they would like to be treated. Put yourself in my shoes. For ONE day, I just wish the world would put themselves in my shoes, I wish they could feel the pain I go through in one day, both physically AND emotionally. Actually I don’t, because I would never wish this kind of pain on those I love. My heart aches, and I didn’t know it was possible, but I think the mental anguish I go through on a daily basis brought on by me being hard on myself AND how others treat me is worse than fibro pain. It’s the worst pain I have ever lived with, and I hope by writing this it will ease some. I hope that people start treating me like an intelligent person with feelings. That’s my hope for my bleak future right now. Can everyone out there help me with that? I know sometimes I am distant, theres a reason ok, and from now on, I will be respectful and tell you what I want to talk about and what I don’t. I won’t make you guess anymore if you give me the same. Sometimes I don’t want to talk because I just don’t want to drag others down into the darkness, but I am working on that. Thank you for reading my rant. Ask yourself, has she been there for me? Does she deserve what she’s asking for? Please, if you care, bear with me…………….