WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love

An old handkerchief. That’s all I have of my Grandpa’s. No pictures, no memories, just an old handkerchief that became mine when my grandmother passed that I was told used to be the one he wore in his breast pocket of his jacket when ever they went out. I think when I was younger in my grandmothers house I saw a few pictures of him, but the memories are a bit hazy. My grandfather passed away when my mother was 15, so by the time I came around, he’d been gone for quite some time. I used to ask about him, and hear occasional stories, but not enough. I couldn’t tell you what kind of man he was. I know the basics. He was a druggist, owned a pharmacy, and by the time my mom was born he was very ill and in bed a lot with a lot of pain. He was loved greatly and missed by my grandmother. Whenever I would sit on her lap and ask about him she got a far away look in her eyes and would tell me tales with a smile on her face. She lived to be 93 and never remarried, he always had her heart I think.

My Dad passed away when I was fifteen. I have a nautical anchor/cross that he wore everyday, a sweatshirt, and one of his old pj shirts. That’s all I have that were his. Mom had also given me some cuff links, but they were stolen from me when my daughter was just a baby along with a class ring, and some other jewelry that really had not monetary value only sentimental. I was crushed. I know who took it, but I was never able to get it back. I do have the benefit of plenty of pictures though. Sometimes I sit down with my moms old photo albums and thumb through, showing my children their Grandpa. They’re much to little now to take an interest, but they ask me what my Daddy was like from time to time, and I make sure to stop whatever else I am doing and tell them some fun memories of us. I want them to know what a great man he was.

I often wonder what my life would have been like if either of these two great men had lived longer. My mothers parents had her late in life, so I don’t think my kids would have known their great grandpa, but I grew up with no grandpa on either side of the family and I wonder if things would have been any different if I had known him. I wonder what wisdom he would have imparted on me. Would I even be here? Mom was only 15 when he died, would him being alive have impacted her life in such a way that she would not have met and married my dad? I don’t know, no one knows, but I’d like to think so anyway.

My Dad is more complicated. His death is the reason we moved far away. My mother wanted a change because of the constant painful reminders of him that were always there. Rhode Island is a very small place, and every where she looked she had memories of him and their life together, and instead of bringing her comfort, she felt the only way she could go on with her life was to move far away. So we did, and of course, I met my husband here, fell in love, and had my two beautiful babies.

If he had lived, would we be here? I don’t know. I don’t think so, because to my knowledge my Dad never had any desire to move out of state, and as big of a boat fan as he was, I am sure if we had moved out of state it would have been to somewhere on the coast. Now this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have met my husband. I used to think it did, but now I have been thinking that maybe I still would have met him. Fate has a way of making things happen that you wouldn’t think were possible. My husband was a marine, and spent some time on the east coast, so maybe I would have met him under different circumstances. I realized that last night. I feel a little less guilty now about it to be truthful, because I was never thankful that Dad died, I miss him everyday and I talk to him often in my prayers, but a part of me has always felt that had Dad not died, I wouldn’t have my angels. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world, and I often feel guilty thinking if Dad hadn’t died, I wouldn’t have them. Last night I thought about it in another sense. Last night I decided that had he lived, there was still a chance I would have met my husband, because I do believe in fate, and if it was meant to be, then fate would have brought us together, somehow some way.

I wish with all my heart that my Dad was still with us. I wish that my kids had a chance to know him and what a great man he was. We have pictures up of him throughout the house, and I talk about him often, I have so many funny stories about growing up with him, I have a lot of great memories and he had a lot of funny little sayings. My kids ask about him, well my daughter for the most part, my son listens, but he doesn’t really ask a lot of questions, and whatever I am doing I always take a break from it and answer from my heart. She knows how he died, she knows my fear each time I get a horrendous headache, and sometimes I regret telling her so much about him. Its bad enough that each time I am struck down with the worst headache of my life I feel like I am going to die, I don’t want my daughter to worry about that too. She’s too young to worry about that. Its hard for me because I made the decision to tell her the truth because I don’t believe in lying to kids, but yet, she’s too young to have the fear that I do. I regret telling her the specifics and wish I had been more vague, but what’s done is done, and I can’t change it.

Every day I have more and more respect for my parents, as I go through the same struggles that I am sure they did. As the kids get older, you have to decide what they should see, hear, be around etc. My parents made good choices in my opinion for the most part, but I remember being obsessed with answers about death when I was around my son’s age, and I got the most answer from my mother that haunts me still. I asked her where people went when they died, and she answered Heaven. I said ya, but for how long, and she answered for eternity. I asked her what happened when eternity ended, she said it didn’t. Then I said what about when the sun burns out, like all stars do, and she said I don’t know. That one answer still bothers me for a few reasons. One is simply because I was a precocious child, I asked a lot of questions, and that was the first time my mom had ever said she didn’t know something that I had asked her. Two is because then I had a new fear, not only was I afraid of death, but then I was afraid of dying AGAIN while in Heaven when the sun burned out. After Dad died the fear only got worse, I became obsessed with finding a loophole, I read my bible cover to cover in secret, searching for clues as to what God said about how long eternity was and if the sun burning out like stars do would have any impact on forever.

I came to my own answers and conclusions about God, and Heaven, and religion in general. I’m not going to share them, because I don’t want to start a religion conversation, but I am satisfied with my beliefs, and my heart accepts them to be the truth, and that’s all that matters. I WILL see my Dad again one day, and I will meet my Grandfather, this I know, but something else came to me last night. I don’t JUST have my physical reminders, my handkerchief, sweatshirt, pj shirt, and cross/anchor. They live on in my heart, I have THEM with me. I have my Dads sense of humor, I love being a smartass like he was, and my daughter is just like that too, she learned the art of sarcasm at a young age. As for my grandfather, I am sure I have some of his traits and don’t even know it. I do know that I got passed down some conditions he suffered from (thanks for sharing THOSE with me Grandpa!) but I also feel sometimes my knowledge of medications, not that I am a pharmacist or anything, but I just KNOW sometimes whether to take ibuprophen or acetaminophen for an ache, or when to take a muscle relaxer etc. I think that’s from him as well. I truly believe that they are both with me every day always, and that’s a comfort. I love them, and I will always wish they were here, but in a sense they are, and it makes it easier to deal with the pain of their absence in my day to day life.

For any of you out there who have been depressed in the past, you know what I mean when I call it the Darkness. When you’re depressed, you feel like you are in a place completely devoid of light, of hope of any kind. You can be in a crowd of people and feel the most intense loneliness deep inside your heart. Friends and loved ones don’t understand, because the sufferers themselves don’t understand, so too often they hide it, put a smile on their face while their insides are filled with sorrow and tears to the point of overflowing. The only escape from the pain and sorrow is sleep. Our dreams provide us with fleeting moments of happiness, because in our dreams our world is exactly as we want it to be. That’s why people who are depressed sleep so much, well that and the feeling of hopelessness they get, the ‘why bother getting out of bed’ feeling.

The Darkness is a terrible emotional black hole. It sucks all the joy, life, feeling out of every moment for anyone who is in it. The day to day routine is often so hard to endure, because not only do you have the bleakness inside, but the act of pretending to be ok in front of everyone is exhausting. This adds to the sufferer not wanting to get out of bed. The mundane everyday activities become overwhelming. Their heads swim with thoughts of escape, but they eventually give up all hope of escape and accept their dismal existence. They don’t LIVE, because living implies directing ones activities towards a goal, experiencing emotions, feelings, being IN the moment. Depression sufferers do none of those things. Instead they exist, simply floating along, unable to see past the darkness.

Someone who has never been depressed might have mistaken beliefs as to what depression really is. They may think its sadness, or feeling a bit blue. Depression is beyond that. Someone who is truly depressed is affected by it in ever aspect of their life. Often they can’t eat, or eat too much, because they don’t care enough about themselves to give their bodies the nourishment it needs to survive or because they find solace in food. They sleep too much and are tired all the time anyway, because the effort of putting on an act pretending to be happy when all they want to do is curl up into a ball and wait there until they feel right again is exhausting. They have trouble finding joy or having fun in things that used to make them happy. Yes they do often feel sad, but that’s just part of what they feel. Feeling overwhelmed, guilt for not being happy about things that should make them happy, lonely, hopeless, helpless, all those feelings rushing through them as well as sadness. It’s also been shown that depression can actually cause physical pain. They can feel like their heart is physically breaking, or have other aches. Their immune system can become weakened, because of lack of nourishment or maybe that feeling of hopelessness prevents them from taking proper care of themselves and they can catch illnesses easily, which makes them feel even worse mentally as well.

Outsiders who catch a glimpse of what the sufferer is hiding behind the fake smile, or people that are talked to or let in on the secret the sufferer is going thru often offer up solutions. “Shake it off”, “It’s not that bad”, “Get out there and do something fun”, “Just cheer up” or “You just need some time away” are the most common responses. Most of the time the sufferer will just thank the person for their advice and pretend to follow along with it. Just another person to hide their pain from. If it were that easy to fix, why would they silently suffer? Although the person doling out the advice usually generally cares, their advice often leaves the depressed person feeling worse, because they feel even their closest friends and loved ones don’t even understand. More isolation, more pain, more doubt that they will ever climb out of this bottomless pit.

There are many theories surrounding depression. Some feel that with proper counseling people can successfully recover from it. Others think that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain and requires medication to recover. Or maybe it’s sometimes both. When you’re in the midst of it, the cause really doesn’t matter so long as a proper treatment is found before its too late. One thing that IS for sure is that Depression is VERY real to those who experiencing it. It can lead to many things, drug addiction, alcoholism, suicide to name a few. The feelings of loneliness and hopelessness eventually give way to a kind of numbness. Nothing seems to matter anymore; you hurt yourself just to see if you can still feel pain. The best thing someone can do at this point is recognize they need help and the best thing someone who knows of someone who has gotten to this point is to get help for them. They might not care enough about themselves by the time they get to this point, so by going out and getting them the help they need, or making them get the help they need themselves, you are showing them that not only does someone care about them, but that there IS hope. You are throwing them a rope to help them climb out of the darkness.

In the fast paced world we live in, so often depression goes unnoticed by loved ones. If you love someone, take the time to truly LISTEN to what they are saying. If they are acting out of character, take the time to find out why. Most of the time they WANT to let someone in, they WANT someone to help them, even if it’s just someone to listen and make their world a little less lonely. Remember that you don’t always have to have an answer for them, sometimes its enough just to lend an ear, or a shoulder to cry on. Thirty minutes of your time could be the kindest thing anyone has done for them in quite some time. Be the rope to pull them out, or the one who holds their hand to lead them out of the Darkness and into the light where there is hope once more. You never know when the tables might turn and it would be you needing help, not to mention, you just might save their life.

To all my friends who wonder or care what I have been up to lately thought I would fill you in:

Its been a difficult few months for me. I have lost my job, and have been applying like crazy to every work from home site I can find, to no avail. I am not going to end up on the streets or anything, I have a roof over my head and food to eat, so please don’t think I am telling you for sympathy or for anyone to worry ok? I will be fine, it’s just very depressing and frustrating so I have been kinda out of the loop and laying low. Know that I am thinking of you all even if I am not always around to say it.

Sis has been busy with softball, generally three nights a week, though this is the last week or is supposed to be anyway. She is my daughter of course so I may be a bit biased but shes truly a GREAT player, she has been playing infield, generally shortstop or second base and I have been so impressed with her performance. I am amazed at how much shes picked up in such a short time. She loves the game but says her real favorite is basketball. I’m thinking of coaching this year, theres always a shortage of coaches, and I want her to really learn how to play all the little rules and all that. Coaching isnt an overly physical job, just have to dedicate time to it, and I am confident I can do that. Will keep you posted when I decide for sure. Until then my little ball player is having a blast just contributing and being part of a team, and they are actually winning more than losing in this league lol so it gives her some self confidence, which of course as I mom I always like to see!

My son is enjoying his summer as well. He played football and they had a good season, I think he liked it, though with him, its more for fun. If he’s not having fun forget it, he wants no part of it. He’s been spending his summer going to his sisters games and swimming whenever possible. He likes to think he’s a good swimmer, but I am still not comfortable with him swimming without his little floaties on. He’s catching on quick though, he’ll get there.

Its been great for me the last few years teaching them how to swim. I wish we had a pool, I am a water baby at heart, and would spend every day swimming if I could, plus its GREAT exercise for people with fibro. We spent three hours in a friends pool yesterday, and I was right there in it with them the entire time (I have the sunburn to prove it OUCH) but it felt soooooo good to be in the water. Not only did I benefit from the exercise, and having fun with the kids, but I don’t spend enough time outdoors and enjoying the sunshine. It was good for all of us, plus we are in a stretch of hundred degree days, so it was great to get alittle relief. I recommend it to everyone, people with fibro have the added benefit that the exercise provides but its a great thing for anyone really.

Aside from that little excursion, I have been pretty well keeping to myself. My daughter and I watched the new Harry Potter movie, I liked it but it did move rather quickly, like they tried to fit it all in you know? I also watched on my own last weekend THE LAKE HOUSE with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. LOVED IT. Highly recommend it if anyone is looking for a nice love story for a rainy day.

Ok, off to cook dinner, love to you all and will write again soon if anyone cares enough to read!

Jo

Well from the country’s standpoint, I understand and love this holiday. Its one of my favorites in fact, because we get together as families and celebrate and have a good time without the need for gifts and all that. I love hanging out with the kids, and watching the awe on their faces as the fireworks light up the night.

I am struggling with it on a personal level. Fibro robs you of so much, and one of the biggies for me is my independence. I can no longer do all the things I used to, and for someone who was used to doing it all, that’s a big deal. I am too tired, sore, or just plain out of it to be the person I used to be. I am finding dealing and accepting who I have become of the biggest hurdles in all of this.

People in my life try and help, and I give them credit for that. The trouble is, unless you go through something like this personally, its difficult to understand. I used to be the reliable one, the one everyone turned to when they needed help. I used to think there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do. I still think that sometimes, on my good days, and I tell myself its true but some times I just may need a little longer to do them. Now I have days when I doubt that.

Its just really hard on me mentally, when I get up in the morning, and I look at my list of tasks, and realize I couldn’t possibly fit more in if I tried. I don’t do much, and some days it’s a struggle just to get through the tasks that I HAVE to get through, such as caring for my kids, keeping the house clean, fixing dinner, then I try and squeeze in some things that are just for me, such as my writing, checking up with my online friends, reading message boards or looking up info about my illnesses. Some days it just doesn’t feel like I have anything left. I can’t imagine working a job and doing ANYTHING else, and I can’t remember how I used to work TWO jobs and take care of my family. I know I did at one point, at several points actually, but I can’t imagine how, and that saddens me. I like being everything to my kids, I don’t like them thinking there is anything they cant do, so I don’t like them seeing my shortcomings. It hurts to have to say “mommy can’t”. Maybe I haven’t admitted it to myself yet. I am starting to, and that’s why I have been struggling. If I am not the supermom who can work two jobs, come home, cook dinner, play with the kids and still have some left over to clean the house, do the laundry etc, then what am I?

I guess that’s the question I am asking myself, and I don’t know anymore. I don’t know ME anymore. Everyone with a debilitating illness goes through this at some point. I know that, but it doesn’t make it any easier………………..

Til next time gang!

Jo