WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love

I want to feel the warmth of the beautiful sun rays on my cool skin on a crisp fall morning

I want to feel love ensconce me in its comforting embrace

I want to feel the joy of accomplishment, the satisfying pat on the back for a job well done

Instead there is nothing, emptiness, coldness, void and vacant of emotion, of light, of feeling

I want to feel hot tears streaming down my cheeks

I want to feel the loneliness inside make its way to the surface

I want to feel the anger, the hurt, the pain

Why cant I feel? Why is it trapped inside? Whats within is waiting to get out, waitng patiently for the right time…………………

I want to feel it all

I want the tears to fall

I am waiting for the time to come when the floodgates open, and I feel again

I welcome the pain, the familiar beating of my broken heart

It has been missed

I can only sit and wait for the feelings to return

For the love to come back

For the smile on my face to be real

I will wait, I will endure, I will stand firm, it will happen

It may take time, but I know one day I will feel

I try to be positive; I wake up each day and remind myself of all that I have

But then it seems another blow hits me right where it hurts

The dangers of wearing your heart on your sleeve I suppose

But I don’t know another way to live

I can’t define my feelings, and I can’t even think about them

Outside interference of the day to day keeps my thoughts at bay

When I do stop to think I feel too much

An avalanche of emotions washes over me

Burying me, clouding my thoughts, covering my heart

It’s been so long since I have felt anything

Since I wasn’t numb

Why do I feel this way, I don’t want to feel the way I do

I grew tired of pleasing everyone but me, but what pleases me?

I don’t know anymore

I don’t know what’s real and what I was told to feel

Do I like the sound the rain makes falling softly in the trees?

Do I like the way the sun kisses my skin on a warm spring day?

Do I like to blast my radio and roll down the windows, the feel of the wind in my hair?

I don’t even know anymore

The feelings that I do have, are they real?

Or is it just my imagination taking me away from a reality too cold for me to face

I feel lost, drifting, floating above my life

An outsider looking in, and not being able to control what or who I am

Not being allowed to just BE long enough to work through these feelings

The pressure closes in, wrapping me tight, smothering me until I can’t breathe

I just want to figure it all out but I can’t because others keep adding more weight

The bonds so tight I can’t break free

This is not me

This is the me you want me to be

The real me is in there somewhere

The real me is trying to dig out of the ruble of her shattered heart, dreams

The real me is the one you’re stomping on

Broken dreams promises all the lies

That’s all I feel

Pain and anguish, fear so real I can taste it

Alone at night in bed with the covers pulled tight

I lay there wishing for the arms that hold me

That protects me, keep me safe

But for now it can’t be

Nothing is real

Except the pain, the pain that takes over and that’s all I can feel

Maybe one day I will learn

On my own I need to learn

Because yes you’ll be there to help me thru and tell me everything is alright

You can’t promise to do that for me now

You can’t be what I need most

Because that has to come from inside

I have to find MY strength so I don’t have to rely on others

I have to learn to trust me, to go with what I feel

I just have to dig thru the mess I have made and find me

Then I will know the truth

If everyone will quit pushing and pulling and tearing me apart

Maybe I can find me

And I can finally be someone I am proud for the world to see