WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love & Empathy

Ok your not even gonna BELIEVE this, I have now totally lost all faith in this hospital and would sooner DIE than have another procedure there………………………………..

My appointment for the HIDA Scan was for 10. I got there at 9:45. You normally have to register, all they do is go over your info, address phone number, that sort of thing. When they FINALLY call me in, first off they couldn’t find my file, second I said my appt was for 10, are they waiting? Will they still have a spot for me? She called down, they said they were waiting. So then they ask for my insurance, which I have told them umpteen times I DO NOT have, so then SHE calls the business office, gives them my file number and asks if I can go AFTER the scan since the radiology department was waiting for me, they say no, I MUST go there first. I was pissed, but clock ticking I hurried over.

How much will you be paying today? The test is 3k, I say look, I am a single mom, I make at most 1200 a month, and I already am paying you a hundred a month, that is ALL I can afford, cant you add it to my bill? They say, get this, “no maam, if you cant pay for this test right now you will have to wait until you can pay for it, you are already in debit to us too much” OMG I FREAKIN LOST IT!!!!!!!!!

I said “you are KIDDING me right???” I turned into mega bitch lol, but I felt completely justified, I don’t believe a hospital can deny or refuse a test a doctor says I need. If I was in there getting my boobs done or something FINE but this was a MEDICALLY NEEDED TEST!!! I started bawling too, which I HATE about me, if I get frustrated or angry I cry. I said Look at my records, I have been to the ER twice, I am in severe pain and they need to find the cause (technically this same test is run to see if u have cancer in the gall bladder, its rare, but still a possibility) not to mention, if you WERENT gonna let me have this done couldn’t you have called me BEFORE I fasted with nothing to eat or drink since midnight and drove up here and sat and waited to get registered for over an hour, was there NOT a moment at some point thru ALL that time that you could have told me “hey if u cant give us money we wont do the test???” So the lady says, let me talk to my supervisor. She scurries off as I have made quite a scene but I honestly did not care I was PISSED how could they refuse me a medically necessary test???? The lady that was sitting there (there had been two, one went to the supervisor) said “haven’t you gotten calls from us regarding your bill?” I said no, and you have in your records my cell as my main contact, so take a look, u tell me if you’ve called me, and I whipped my cell phone out of my purse and threw it on the desk. (lol I know, WAY overdramatic but I was absolutely furious) The lady says no ma’am that’s not necessary, and the other lady comes back and says “ok my supervisor says you can have THIS test but any further procedures done here must be run by the billing department and you will be expected to pay” At this point I am sobbing, I pick up my papers and go off to radiology without a word.

I get to radiology still in tears and they take me right back. I KNOW I need to calm down but I cant, I am so upset by everyones lack of concern. I am in serious pain, and no one wants to know why, whats causing it, what can we do to fix it. What has happened to this world where people can be SO callous and uncaring? The initial IV didn’t hurt. I sat there for well over an hour while they waited for my gall bladder to fill up with the tracer and spent the majority of that time quietly sobbing with my arm over my eyes. The tech never asked why, just went about checking the machine, at one point he asked if I wanted a blanket which I took. Once my gb was filled he did the second injection, and I wasn’t prepared for the pain, I started writhing, it was an attack similar to what I had gone to the ER for. The guy kept saying, its just seven minutes, hold still. That’s not easy when there was so much pain I start writhing and all he could do was say “hold still, few more minutes” So I sobbed more silently until they finally released me. I just can NOT believe my treatment. I felt so wronged and violated. I got home and decided to do something about it. First off I am writing to the hospital administrator, congress senate, whatever, cuz its so unreal. Second, I am going to my appointment with the surgeon on Monday and asking if he can do the surgery at a DIFFERENT hospital, I don’t want them getting any more of my money. Third I am contacting an attorney to see if what they did was even lgal.

I am ok now, the dull ache I always have is there, plus a slight headache from dehydration. I just wanted to share this with you all to see if you thought I was over reacting or if this is truly unfair. Give me your honest opinion, I need to know.

Thanks gang, luv you all

Jo

The world keeps on spinning, day turns to night

Silence surrounds me, the darkness grew

Then the loud roar and flurry of activity begins anew

And there I am, left standing still

I cant seem to move

My feet are glued to the ground

I open my mouth but don’t utter a sound

And there I am left standing still

Days turn to weeks

And months turn to years

I stand rooted, frozen, my eyes filled with tears

And there I am left standing still

Why cant I go forward

Why am I stuck in this rut

I keep trying and fighting I want to move but

There I am left standing still

I never made the choice to move

I never broke free from the chains

Now just a cold empty shell remains

There I am left standing still

Everyone reached their goals

But my chances passed me by

I could’ve had it all but I didn’t even try

Why am I left standing still

Why didn’t I listen

Why didn’t I believe in all that I could be

I stood there while life passed by I let this happen to me

That’s why I am there left standing still

I didn’t take action

I let the doubt consume me

I never took the chance and broke free

So here I am left standing still

What motivates us to do things? To follow our dreams, to start on a new path, to take a risk?

We are all different. That’s what makes the world go around, and I personally wouldn’t have it any other way, but what makes us take that chance and head down the road less traveled? I know for me, it’s almost always my kids. Like most parents, I want for them what I didn’t have. That’s what makes me push thru the pain to attend all their games, practices, recitals, concerts, etc. I want them to never doubt my love for them so I make an effort to show I support them in whatever they chose to do. They are also the motivation behind my taking a stab at writing. It’s always been a dream of mine, and hopefully in the pursuit of this dream I am accomplishing two things. One reason is to show them the importance of following your dreams. Two, of course, is to work in my own home on my own time so that I can spend more time with them.

Others are motivated by money. That’s cool, whatever your motivator as long as you follow your dreams right? The only thing with money as your motivation is I don’t think you can ever be truly happy. There’s always more money to make, more things to buy etc. So how does that work? And what happens when you follow your dreams and make your money is it ever enough to feel satisfied?

Then other people are motivated by praise and approval of others. I can get that. I have a bit of that as well. Who doesn’t enjoy someone telling them they are doing a good job? But for that to be your only motivation might lead to an empty life. I think too much of that and your aiming to please others rather than yourself. Whose opinion matters most, yours or everyone else’s? Let’s face it, you can’t please everyone no matter how hard you try, so is pleasing some people going to be enough? And when will it be enough? That seems like another never ending one.

Another one is to “prove the naysayers wrong”. I am all for proving someone wrong when I am right, one of my FAVORITE things to do in fact, but in all honesty, there is ALWAYS going to be someone who says you can’t do something, or you’re not good enough. That won’t end just because you DO the very thing they say you can’t. In some people that will propel them to bad mouth you even more. There are some people in this world who just cannot feel good about themselves without saying bad things about others. It’s sad, but that’s the cold hard truth. So even when you make it, you achieve your dreams, you conquer your demons, and you silence your foes, there will ALWAYS be someone who says you didn’t do it right, or you only got what you wanted because you cheated. You will never shut everyone up. People will always have something bad to say about you. Then there are people who will always be supportive, and always have something good to say. So who do you believe?

I guess what it comes down to is there are lots of different things that motivate people to pursue their dreams, but the important thing is that they do it. If you want anything in life to change, you have to change what you’re doing. If you always do what you have always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten. That’s a saying I believe, and I am constantly looking for ways to change how I live to better achieve my dreams. In some ways I am stubborn, but it’s sometimes its sheer will and stubbornness that keeps me going. Whatever it is that you are driven by embrace it, keep it tight in your heart where you can reach for it when it seems those dreams are just too hard to get to. Every day, in every way, we have to push through and past the odds, obstacles, and idiots and find our value within, find our strength and hold onto whatever it is that makes us not give in to the strong desire to just go with the flow, follow the herd. Take hold of that dream, it’s not out of reach if you put everything you’ve got into it. Whatever you do, just don’t let go. Whether its love, money, what others think of you, just use it as a springboard to push you higher rather than an anchor to weigh you down. I truly believe if something is meant to be, if it’s there in your heart, there’s NOTHING you can’t accomplish.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS AN OLD POEM! THIS IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE RECENTLY. THIS HOLDS NO MEANING TO ME OTHER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD POEM.

Why do I bother

Why do I care

They warned me against it

So why did I dare

Your words broke my heart

But your silence hurt me more

I’m sick of the fighting

My soul bruised and sore

I didn’t have to love you

No you never asked me to

But I couldn’t help my feelings

When it came to you

Now here I sit crying

Tears stream down in despair

The love I wanted from you

Was never really there

Why was I such a fool

Why did I give you the one thing

The only thing that you could hurt

Each strike was to you just another sting

Have I not been through enough

What more could you ask

Bad enough were your comments

But to find out you’d been wearing a mask

Now I wear one too

This smile painted on

I pull it together

And off you go to your next con

Your cruelty has been heard

The message received

You crushed me, you burned me

You left me deceived

See I thought you were different

I thought dreams do come true

You took away that hope

So for that I thank you

As I sort thru this mess and pick up the pieces

You taught me all too well

I’ll never forget what you’ve given me

I’ll make it through this hell

I’ll come out on top

I put this behind me

And back inside I will lock myself

So deep no one can find me