WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love

Do you think I’m made of stone

Sitting here and all alone

Do you think I don’t care

An ice princess with a frosty glare

This pain within me runs so deep

These burning tears wont let me sleep

How can you talk to me like you do

Once there was nothing I wouldn’t do for you

Now you hurt me with your words because you can

It makes me not want to get close to you or anyone ever again

How come it’s the ones I love that hurt me the most

So from now on love will have to find another host

I will refuse to let anyone get that close

Reality has hit me with too strong a dose

The truth is often hard to hear

But now I see things crystal clear

If people loved me I wouldn’t have been treated that way

Where once words of love flowed, I feel there’s nothing left to say

I will stand up strong and continue on thru all my days

But now I have learned to change my ways

My trust will no longer come for free

From now on it will need to be proven for me

Because people lie, make promises they don’t keep

That undeniable truth makes my heart hurt, my soul weep

Now you have told me many times and I believe it to be true

The only person YOU can depend on in this life is YOU

Thank you for the lesson learned its one I won’t soon forget

So I must apologize to people I don’t know and the ones that I have met

For what was once an optimistic caring loving open heart is now something you wont get

A part of me has died and can never be replaced

But I am still proud of the challenges I’ve faced

The lessons that I’ve learned from you have helped truly me grow

So I thank you for teaching me the most painful lesson I will ever know

Sorrow fills my heart, I’m dead inside, a cold and empty shell

But best to go through life knowing the truth and I’ve learned my lesson well.

I cry alone

No one here to see my tears

My heart in pieces

But still I smile

Sleep eludes my tired brain

Memories flood bringing such pain

Mixed in with thoughts so mundane

But still I smile

Tired mind and tired heart

Sick of feeling torn apart

Wondering when the healing starts

But still I smile

Fake laughter smiling all the best

Wish I could be like all the rest

Can’t seem to pass one single test

But still I smile

The hurt I feel locked inside

Running out of places to hide

Feels like a part of me has died

But still I smile

Wish I was good at just one thing

Scared of what the future might bring

These tears don’t wash away everything

But still I smile

Don’t worry I will be just fine

Oh yes I use that all the time

Often its my favorite line

But still I smile

Worry for me not my dear

You have nothing which to fear

You didn’t do what hasn’t been done year after year

Yes with you was disillusion

In my heart was some confusion

I know this hurt will pass

The tears will dry

The pain wont last

Until then I’ll put on a show

The piece you took of my heart will not regrow

But I wont make it hard for you

I will keep just keep feeling blue

I’ll keep crying all the while

But don’t you worry, I’ll still smile

Today marks the 14th anniversary of my Dads death. He died when i was 15, and I miss him every day. Every year about this time I write a short poem or letter for him. I wanted to share this years. This is for you Dad, I love you and miss you with all my heart, not just today but every day………….

I miss you…….

Every once in a while I wake up and there is not a cloud in the sky,

I find myself thinking “what a beautiful day for a boat ride”

And I miss you…………………..

Sometimes for no rhyme or reason a noise, keys on the counter, a spoon stirring coffee

Strikes a memory in my heart of all your habits and routines

And I miss you…………………………..

When my son laughs hysterically, throwing his head back, completely taken by his own joke

My mind fleetingly wanders to your crazy sense of humor

And I miss you…………………

My daughter’s stubborn streak, the way she gets so mad when even she knows she’s wrong

I think of all the times I did the same with you

And I miss you……………..

Late at night, when the world is asleep, when I’m all alone, and I tuck my kids in with a kiss

I wish you were there to see their cherubic faces

And I miss you………………….

I find myself talking to the kids sometimes, both good and bad

But YOUR words come out

And I miss you…………

Not a day not an hour not a minute goes by that I don’t think of you

And yes I know you’re here with me, and I know you’re watching

I know one day we’ll see each other again, and we’ll talk about all that we’ve done, and seen and remember

Until then you’re always in my head, you’re always in my heart

I can still feel you all around me, and when I want to see you all I have to do is close my eyes

When I want to hear your voice all I have to do is dig deep within my heart

Then though there’s times when all I want is to be five again

To crawl up on your lap and have you put your arms around me

And to hear you tell me everything will be alright, and that I AM doing well

That you ARE proud of me

And sometimes daddy sometimes when I am all alone and crying

The mood just strikes me and for no reason at all

I just MISS YOU

I love you always daddy, you’re a part of me, a part of my kids, and you’re always forever in my heart