WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love & Empathy

Every night I sit here, and try and sum up my feelings

try to express how I feel through poetry, but not tonite.

Tonite I am just going to spell it all out, and maybe then I will feel better.

Yes I am going through a separation. Even though I know it has to happen this way, i AM sad. People think that just because someone knows that this is how it has to be that the person making the decision is fine with it.

I’m not. I am sad. Some days I get up and KNOW this is how its gotta be, other times I am riddled with the what ifs, scared of the unknown. Then I sit, and I think, and I remember what prompted these feelings, and I know that this is the right choice right now.

I know my husband will read this, and even if he didnt, some mindless twit would tell him I was talking bad about him. I’m not. My husband is a great guy, and it kills me that I am hurting someone I love. We tried other options, and they didnt work, they didnt help, so this was the only way I could see. I still love him, I will always love him, hes the father of my beautiful babies and I dont regret my time with him ever, not even for a minute. Two people can be great people and just not fit. In my case, I AM THE BAD PERSON. I have issues, I have had them all my life, and I have to work through them my way, because the other ways we tried havent worked. I have to work through all the sorrow in my heart, all the pain, all the dark memories. I have to get through all my fears, my insecurities, and I have to do it on my own. I have no business being involved with anyone until I can know who I am, until I can be happy with who I am, because right now I hate myself for what I have become.

I have started on this process, and it might be long, it might be short, I dont know, I have no guarantees. I have to be this awful selfish person that I hate, I have to ONLY focus my attention on me and my kids because I want to be a good person for THEM, a person they can me proud to call their Mom. I truly believe that we are all here for a purpose, and if we are lucky, we figure out this purpose before we die. After all my self reflection, I decided my purpose is to raise my two wonderful kids and be a person they can look up to, be a person thats a good example for them. I am not setting a good example for them if I hate myself, if everything I do is wrong, if I make stupid mistakes because I dont believe in myself.

How I am right now I cant even tell you. I have so much confusion, I dont know what I believe because its who I am, or because its what people tell me I should. I am just NOW starting to make decisions based on MY thoughts and feelings. I am starting to find a few minutes a day that I actually LIKE who I am. I am starting to believe in myself again, and I think thats SO important in this process of self discovery. I need to find my self worth. Its been buried so long, I thought I would never find it, but every once in a while I catch a glimpse of it, every once in a while I smile a TRUE smile, and its been so long that I hardly recognize it.

I have been stale, stagnant, and stuck in my rut for so long. Its no ones fault but mine, I havent spoken up, I cant decide if I couldnt find my voice, or if I had no voice. When I think back, I dont know if I ever had a voice to begin with. I am finally going to stop being lead around by the nose, and wearing my heart on my sleeve for the world to see. I will always hate myself for hurting my husband. He is a good man who did what he thought he should, but I cant take it anymore. I need to find ME, buried deep down inside, I have to be selfish to find out who my”self” really is. I have to find away to love myself before anyone can love me, and I have to figure out what MY hopes and dreams are so I can follow them. No one can do it for me. Its MY life, and MY choices. I have stood idly by and let others make my every decision, let others tell me what I felt about things, how I felt about things.

Its mean and its selfish, but its how i am right now, its how I have to be for now, and though my heart breaks, there is no other way anymore.

Sorry if I am not around as much guys, know I love you all, but I dont know how to be a friend to anyone when I dont know how to be MY OWN friend.

Take care all, your in my thoughts, until next time,

Jo

I cry alone so no one hears me

The tears fall silent to the ground

How I wish someone would listen

But they never make a sound

I wish I could tell them

That I could say whats on my mind

But I fear that no one cares

So afraid of what I’d find

I keep all the words deep within

They are buried in my soul

If I told them what I felt

It would leave an empty hole

No one knows my pain

No one sees what is inside

So I keep pushing it down

But the pain can no longer hide

Its screaming to get out

And its hurting more and more

Inside my heart is breaking

What was numb is now so sore

All that’s outside is broken

Now all that’s inside is as well

So each day I wake up

And live in my own private hell

I wish someone would listen

I plea that someone lets me out

But each day it grows colder

And my mind fills up with doubt

Will I ever be heard

Will I ever be able to let them show

Because each day it seems less likely

And no one will ever know

She sits alone in the dark

No one hears her, no one knows where she is

No one cares

She cries, hot fat tears that soundlessly slide down her cheeks

She doesn’t matter

Shes a place marker

A replaceable space filler until someone better comes along

And someone better always comes along

She pours her heart into everything

Only to have to pick the pieces up off the floor when they are done with her

Only to try again next time

She gives her all but its never enough

Shes never good enough at anything to last very long

She always ends up in the dark cold corner as life goes on around her

As if shes not even there

But if anyone actually took the time to look into those tired eyes filled with tears filled with pain

Filled with confusion about why shes never good enough, why nothing she does is ever right

They would easily see past the mask she wears, the fake smile

They would see that years and years of misuse of her loyalty and misplaced dedication have taken their toll

The heart that’s been put back together so many times is now missing some pieces

Why does she do it time after time without hesitation

Why does she make herself available for the hurt, the lies

Because she truly believes that one day she will do something right

She really believes with all her might if she keeps putting her heart back together and giving it to people

That one day she wont be in the corner crying anymore

One day someone will take that heart and appreciate it

Instead of smashing it to bits, crushing it to dust

Its that little glimmer of hope that keeps her going, that keeps her getting up out of that corner

That brings her into the light

That dries those tears

That makes her heart almost whole again

One day, someone will look at her and see her value

See her love of all things

See her for who she really is and not for who they want her to be

She doesn’t know any other way to live

So she’ll keep getting hurt

Her stupid heart will keep making the wrong choices

And she’ll keep crawling back to that corner, her corner, dark in a room devoid of light

And she’ll cry her big fat tears

And piece by piece she will put that heart back together as best she can

It may be wrong

It may be stupid

It may be optimistic

It may be totally insane

But its all she knows

There’s no way to describe the pain I feel

I never knew my heart was made of glass until it shattered

It doesn’t matter what the chain of events were

It hurts to see that to you none of it mattered

All the time we spent together

All the good times and the bad

Everything we ever said to each other

Was it a waste of time what we had?

I don’t want to think that

That’s not the way I try to live

I don’t want to believe you

Because I still have so much to give

So I keep this pain inside

Locked down deep and tight

Just because I act ok on the outside

Doesn’t mean you’re right

Yes I am grieving and yes I do feel hurt

Inside I cry where no one else can see

That doesn’t make me insensitive that’s just how I deal

It’s just as real and it’s how it has to be

I may have been knocked down, but don’t count me out

This is not a defeat it’s not unsurpassable yet

As I weep for what I’ve lost I grow stronger by the minute

There will be a day I promise you when there will be no limit to what I can get

For now though I will hurt, I will cry I will take this time to accept my sorrow

My life hasn’t always been peachy; there isn’t one thing I’ve ever gotten that I haven’t fought for

And I’ve learned to let go of the innocence of youth, the empty promises of liars

But I need this time to regroup, to see things as they really are, to take stock, and to close that door

The door to the past, the door that has held me back by seeing only the good and not the truth

In life we sometime have to fail over and over to see things as they really are

And not for what we want and wish for them to be

Because if we don’t, we’ll never get very far

It’s hard when you can’t see yourself for who you are, you can’t see the truth in you

And if you can’t do that, how can you see the truth in anything

This is my time to grieve and to learn, to discover who I really am

And to decide if I mean anything to me, to anyone, to see if I am something

I’m sorry you can’t see that

I’m sorry you can’t see me

I can’t see me either right now

So this is how its gotta be