In the black ink of the night sky peppered with bright dots of light, a star streams past, leaving a glowing tail in its wake. I’m reminded of the quote, “its better to burn out than fade away” Out this star goes, blazing a trail to its demise, but it DID something. Someone noticed it, I noticed it, somehow it touched something or someone, it made an impact.
My thoughts as of late have revolved around this lone theory, this memory. I want to go down like that star, meteor, comet, whatever it was. I want SOMEONE to see me, to feel me, I want to make an impact. Day after day I sit here, thinking of how I want my life to be, wishing on those falling stars. I have it all wrong, if I want to BE like those stars, I have to stop watching and wishing and start ACTING. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten. Translation, if you keep sitting there wishing on stars, in twenty years, you’ll still be sitting there wishing on stars. You have to be proactive, you have to chase that dream if you ever want it to happen for you. So do I really WANT my life to change?
YES! The answer resounds through my body so loudly I can feel it in my toes. So what’s stopping me? ME! That’s the sad part. I cant blame anything or anyone for me not following my dreams, because ultimately the ONLY thing that can stand in your way is you.
What is holding me back? After much inner debate, I have decided, its this stupid illness. WHY? Why do I let it control me? Some days its all I can do just to drag my aching body out of bed and into some clothes, feed the kids, drop them off to school, come home, work for a few hours, go back, get the kids, run any errands that need running, make dinner, clean up, clean the kids up, clean myself up, and fall into bed only to do it all over again the next day. The pain and the panic keep me up, thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness of not ever putting myself in a better situation plague me and make me afraid to close my eyes. I hurt. There is no doubt about that and anyone who disputes that fact needs only to look into my eyes. My eyes tell my story better than words ever could. But I have to be honest with myself. I may never get better. Currently, there is no cure for my illness, fibro is still a mystery to so many, doctors and general public alike. So here is the dilemma I face, do I sit here and wait for a day that I feel good? Do I wait for that “miracle cure” to come along that will take away my pain, help me to sleep, and make me more alert and alive? Or do I say BITE ME to my symptoms, and fight with every ounce of energy deep within me to do something, ANYTHING, once a day to push my dream closer to becoming a reality? What if the cure NEVER comes? Does that mean I am going to just fade into the night, like a distant star? I will be honest, a part of me wants to. A part of me IS defeated by this illness. I hurt on the inside too, deep down, the part that I cant let anyone see, that part has been beaten and battered, dreams shattered and shredded, until sometimes I get that glimmer of hope. I have a “good” day. Not a day without ANY pain, but a day when I can manage the pain I have. Those days are my body’s way of telling me see? It can only keep us down if YOU let it. I know others have it worse than me, and I also know that there are others in my position who have decided, you know what? Enough is enough, I cant do anything with this constant pain, so I am going to just BE, just exist. that’s enough for some. I don’t speak for them, I don’t think less of them for that choice, we all have our own choices to make. I am just speaking for myself, making my own decisions, I am too young and have far to many ideas to give in and say “world, go on without me, its right here that I want to be”. the people who say that, they may have already made their impact on the world. I haven’t yet. I want that choice to be my own and I wont let my illness make it for me. I don’t think any less of the people who make the choice to sit there and wait, I KNOW the pain they feel, and I know how hard it is to overcome. I don’t knock anyone for the choices they make, I just have to make THIS choice on my own, and I have decided to fight, to put all of me into everything I do in the hopes that one day, my dreams will come true.
A cure may still come along, but I don’t want to wait, I don’t want that choice to be taken away from me. Call me impatient, call me a control freak, but fibro has been around for SO long, and its not yet even well known and recognized as a debilitating illness in the medical community. I am taking my future into my own hands and saying “no, this is how its going to be, because I am going to make it that way” Fibro WILL affect me the entire way, it WILL slow me down, and I will have to work around some bigger road blocks than most people, but I believe if you wants something bad enough, nothing is too big for you to overcome.
Have you ever watched a candle burn out? Right before it reaches the bottom the flame glows brighter, seemingly at the end of its journey, it gives that one last push that lights up the room, almost as if to let you know its had it in there from the beginning, but was saving it for one last surprise. I want that to be me, I wont let anything hold me back, now is the time for my flame to brighten my world, to show what I’ve had inside all along, to make MY mark. Is it yours?
Sixty years from now when I am in my rocker, I want to be able to tell my grandkids the contribution I made to their world, not the pain I endured that kept me from following my dreams, I want them to know I loved then even then enough to make a difference.