WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love

Expectations…………
I HATE them! We all have them, of ourselves, and each other. Are they fair? I guess, but I think some of us set them far too high. Are you perfect? I’m not. I don’t THINK I have met anyone yet who hasn’t had faults, flaws. How do you deal with the rejection you feel from not living up to what your expected to?

I guess I am just feeling really down right now about myself. I cant think of a time in my life that I have lived up to the expectations of others, and I am constantly letting myself down. The hardest thing for me is disappointing the ones I love. Currently, I am a failure in that department. I just cant be the person I am expected to be. How do I do that? Should I try and change who I am just to live up to the level of perfection that’s expected of me? I was told tonight there’s not even the tiniest room for error, because that’s how it all starts going to hell. Ok so I cant make ANY mistakes? Sorry, that’s not really practical don’t you think?

I am human. As much as its killing me right now, the best thing for me to do is accept the fact that I make mistakes. I need to forgive myself for them. it’s the only way I can live with myself. I push myself very hard to do what’s expected of me, by myself, my loved ones, and society. I cant do that anymore. I need time to reassess my situation, my life, my shortcomings though I know there are many, they are a part of who I am. How can a person claim to love me when they cant accept the fact that I am not perfect?

Its hard enough for ME to accept my limitations, but to be made to feel guilty for them is wrong, especially from someone who “loves” me. That’s not love, love doesn’t hurt this bad. You don’t do that to someone you love, you don’t make them feel ashamed, you don’t point out the littlest mistake, you don’t make them hate themselves because they cant be the person you want them to be. I can tell you, as a fibro sufferer, I WISH I could have my old life back, working two jobs and still having the energy to raise my kids, but I cant, I have to accept that its physically impossible for me to carry on that way anymore. As it is, I do too much, I hurt myself on a daily basis just to get done what’s needed of me, I don’t have the time or energy to do the little extras that are expected of me, and there is No time left for me to do what I NEED to do for myself. So I keep pushing my needs and wants to please others. I cant do it anymore. I need to take care of myself and my children and say screw everything else. Maybe if I do that, and I take care of the important stuff and quit worrying about the little petty inconsequential things, maybe I can be happy, maybe then it can be MY turn. Maybe that’s to optimistic, but that’s the plan now.

To all those who view me as a failure, my deepest apologies that I am not perfect. I wish you luck in your search, because I never will be the one to make you happy, my efforts have gone unnoticed and unappreciated so I am not going to waste any more energy on them. I am through feeling worthless, feeling that I cant do anything right, that I am stupid, ugly, have no common sense. I have heard it all my life and I am too tired to deal with it any longer. This is me, with all my flaws, faults and imperfections, and I am going to learn to accept them, and to love me for who I am. They make me what I am. I am setting my expectations realistically and I am sticking to them, to those that they fit into their plans great, to the ones that don’t then I am sorry, but I am not going on like this any longer, hating myself for who I am? Its not right, its not right to be treated like all I do is wrong and its not right to make me feel so horrible about myself. I cant do it anymore, and I am forgiving myself for that, forgiving myself for not living up to the expectations of perfection. This is me, this is who I am, take me or leave me its all good, and I will always wish you all the best, but I will not go through the hurt another day, another minute, another second. I am what I am, and you accept it or you don’t.

I wont tell anyone what to do or how to think, but I have said it before, love yourself and others will love you, be true to who you are, and don’t be upset if you arent perfect. I’ve been alive almost thirty years and I have yet to meet a perfect person. Accept who you are, accept that everything about you is what makes you unique. I am having trouble practicing what I preach but I will get there, and so will all of us eventually. I guess that’s just all there is to say.

What does love mean to you? I am talking the love between you and your significant other, spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. I know that its something that’s subjective, it means different things to different people. it’s a deeply personal thing, just as the reasons why we fall in love in the first place are, different reasons, different things that attract us to one another. Its really difficult to explain, to put into words, but its fascinating to me to see how something SO important to some mean nothing to another.

I always viewed marriage as a partnership, both sides equal, mutual respect, compassion, understanding, and some similar interests. Some people are all about looks, and while I do believe that plays a part, I don’t think you base a relationship let alone a marriage solely on that. First off, if your married for life, your partners looks will change, that’s inevitable. So you really should have other things, such as shared interests, to fall back on. I also think that the way a person acts, their attitude, has an impact on how you view them. A good sense of humor, strong character, and a deep seated respect for you as well as acknowledging your right to disagree (translation, accepting the fact that two people can disagree, and that they aren’t always right) can make an average looking person look like a supermodel in their love’s eyes. On the flip side, mean spirited words, discouraging comments, hateful talk toward your partner or anyone, conceit or deceit can turn a supermodel into an ugly duckling.

We all want different things out of the actual relationship as well. Some are superficial, wanting someone to provide for them, that security. I don’t look down upon them for that, who is to say who is right or wrong in what you look for in a relationship? Others go for different traits, loyalty, honesty, trustworthiness to be among the top I would imagine. This is not only demonstrated in how the person responds to you and your actions and dealings with the person, but how they handle ALL relationships in their life, be it with their friend, their co-worker, or even their mom.

Some people believe in fate, destiny, and that if its meant to be, it will all work out. I suppose I am one of those people, but I also believe that you sometimes need to help it along, you cant just sit back and watch it from a distance. You need to cultivate and nurture any relationship in order for it to grow, be it a friendship, or a marriage, just as you would for a child, plant or pet, anything you want and expect to grow up strong and healthy. There have to be compromises, sure, any time your living closely with another person, theres got to be compromise, but it should be equal, one person cant be doing all of the taking. Compromise shouldn’t include giving up what makes you you either. If someone falls in love with you for who you are, they take the good with the bad. Any relationship that starts out with one person trying to change another is doomed from the start. The only way a person should ever change is to better themselves. It should be THEIR choice. Its also the only way a person will ever change is if its something THEY want. If you go into a relationship thinking your going to change something about someone, your only going to find disappointment.

A partner should not be looking for ways to “fix” you, the only person you can “fix” is yourself. A good partner will accept you for your faults, sometimes not seeing them, sometimes just seeing them as something that makes you who you are. If it is part of what makes you who you are, the person they love, then why would they want to change that? A TRUE friend, and that’s what any partner should be also, a FRIEND, is going to support you regardless. I’m not saying they shouldn’t try and stop you if they see you going down the wrong path, but they should love and support you, help you reach your goals and dreams regardless of how silly or unattainable they may be to them, because they should believe in you and recognize whats important to you should be important to them by association.

Love is kindness. Love is wanting to see the object of your love happy above all else, at whatever cost to you, because seeing them happy makes you happy inside. Love doesn’t set someone up for failure, nor does it sit back and wait for the person to fail just to say the hurtful words “I told you so”. Love is given freely, with no thoughts of “what am I getting out of this”. Love is not anything that can be halfway, love is with all your heart, soul, and being.

Bottom line I guess in my opinion is this. With the right people, love is easy, anyone can love, but it takes a lot to make a relationship work. THAT part is not easy, but I have to believe that in the long run its worth it, we all have to, or what would we bother with trying so hard for? Love for friends, love for family, love for your partner its all worth it in the end, you get back what you give just by seeing the joy on the other persons face, the joy that you helped put there. If we remember that, even on our darkest days, then we will know that happiness isn’t just an unattainable dream, its an undeniable reality.

Words fail me

I wanted to write about how I feel

But there are no words to describe

I wanted to tell you the hurt and the pain you’ve caused

But there is nothing that big to compare it to

There was a time when I loved you so much I ached

Now I cant even remember why I put myself in that position

Why I opened myself up for you to hurt me so much

I thought you loved me, I thought you cared

But someone who cares for another would never say the things you did

They’d never betray the trust given to them

By the person who gave them their heart

You used it like it was a toy

A pin cushion

Each word poking a bigger hole than the last

The saddest part is I don’t blame you

I blame myself for letting you in

Not just once, but again and again

I forgave and moved on each time

But the scars were still there

They hurt more and more each day

And still I let you back in

Now you’ve left me with nothing

Devoid of feeling

There is no anger, no disappointment

Empty, hollow inside

A shell walking around day after day

Waiting for the feeling to return

Welcoming the pain, the tears that fall hot, burning my cheeks

Because at least I can feel them

At least I know as much as you hurt me you didn’t break me

Its something that can be fixed, changed, repaired

But this was the last time

I cant go through it again

The escape was narrow, but what you’ve destroyed with your words and actions

It can be rebuilt

In time I know I can, you don’t want me to believe it, but I can

And until I heal

Until I can walk with a smile on my face I can wear my mask

My trusted worn out mask

So no one can see the pain I am in

The pain you caused

They will only see what I let them see until I can face them with a genuine smile

So I grieve now for what I have lost

But I dream of the day when my wounds will heal

When my heart will once again be whole

When I can smile again