WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love & Empathy

Well Mom’s trip to the Hospital went fine, well for her lol, she made it thru the tests fine, everything is on schedule for surgery on November 28th, so I set my date to quit smoking on the 1st of December, I think thats a realistic and acheivable goal so long as I start slowing down now.

We had quite the adventure at the hospital lol but at least when shes there for her surgery I will know my way around well. I tried to go outside to the direction i THOUGHT was where I had parked, no such luck. I ended up walking around this huge hospital FOUR times, in drizzle, with no coat, as i had given it to mom cuz she was cold and hadnt brought hers. When I finally found the car, I went and drove around the parking lot to a closer entrance. Oh and did I mention we missed the exit the first time, even though we KNEW both of us knew, what the name of the exit was!!!! I knew when we had passed it, cuz we passed a place I hadnt seen there before! It was ok, we took an exit, got back on, and found it no problem. My story is they moved the damn exit, and i am sticking to it

I have had panic attacks (i think thats what they are anyway, chest tight, cant breathe shaking etc) two nites in a row now. I dont like them and they scare me I can only guess that the cause is the feeling of being overwhelmed, like I have so much on my shoulders, taking care of my family, work, mom it just gets to me sometimes. Thats all I can think of that could be causing them anyway but its upsetting to me, and I wish they would stop. I can handle it, my shoulders are strong, but I let the Fibro give me doubts, and I shouldnt. I have Fibro, oh well, we all have problems, I can get through it just as countless others that have it far worse than myself.

Anyway, thats where I am at now, nothing new or exciting going on, trying to get organized for moms hospital stay, more to come when I have more to say……….

Definition of Motivation
Defined as an internal state or condition that activates and gives direction to thoughts, feelings, and actions.

There is always a more powerful reason NOT to do something than to find a reason TO do something. Its easier to do nothing, to talk of getting things accomplished, but when it comes down to it, it takes energy, strength of will and of character to go for whatever it is. The debate now is which do you need, energy, or motivation. Well, lets look at this scientifically. What GIVES you energy to accomplish a goal? Take out all other factors. Something you want to do requires some sort of act on your part. Things don’t just fall into your lap (ok, lol sometimes we ARE lucky enough to have this happen, but I am talking about the normal every day things and taking luck out of the equation) and it is always easier to do nothing than to do something that takes any amount of effort on your part right?

People with Fibro have less energy as people without. When we do get those spurts of energy, we often use it catching up on what we have fallen behind on. Its more of a chore for us to focus the little energy we have to the goals we desire when we are falling behind on other things that are equally important. So what do we do? How do we reach our goals if we spend all our energy just trying to make up for falling behind? That’s the problem we all face, but especially prevalent in people who suffer from Fibro. So do we give up on our goals? Sometimes unfortunately that ends up being the case. From a personal standpoint, I know in my heart if you want something bad enough, you WILL get it. I feel that you have to have a flexible, realistic plan. That doesn’t mean set your sights lower. That’s never the answer. Everyone has steps to success, everyone talks about how to make your dream a reality right? Might as well enter my plan into the mix.

Step one, the hardest part of anything is getting started. What do you want? Ask yourself honestly what you hope to do and what you hope the outcome of what you do will be. WRITE IT DOWN, actually, write it in several places, put lists everywhere. This is best done on a day you are clear headed, but lack the energy to get started. Make your list in order of importance to you, and ask yourself why is it important? Be specific. Don’t say I want money, what do you want to buy with that money? Having those visual images will help you realize what EXACTLY it is that you want. That will help you find the motivation needed to carry out your plan. Depending on how big your goals are, write out the steps needed to accomplish it, break it down into the SMALLEST possible steps. This will make them easier to accomplish. Its always good to be able to check something off your list, even if it is only a small feat. Give yourself a few hours of solitude to write your list. No distractions. Turn off your messanger, disconnect from the internet, shut off your phone, your tv, anything to cause a distraction, because its always easier to put stuff off than to get it done. Give yourself no reason to get the list done. Its just a list right? Adjust your list in order of importance. Then divide all the tasks on it into two categories, things that require a great deal of energy, and things that don’t.

Second step, start small. Determine two loose routines that are easy for you to follow, one for days that you have no energy, and one for days that you have energy. Allow in both some down time. If you don’t, your bound to have some, and you will then beat yourself up over it, and that wont accomplish anything, more than likely, it will throw you all off track. Allow for some time to just be. To be yourself, to be alone, to do what you want to do. If you do happen to break the routine, as you sometimes will, we’re all human, it’s ok. Its your routine, your allowed to break it. The best thing to do, is to remember why your doing this in the first place. Sometimes plans change, but motivations don’t. Think about your motivation, and forgive yourself so you can get back on track. To plan a routine that will work best for you, you need to listen to your body and observe your best times of the day for certain things. For example, for my routine for writing, my most clear minded time of day is late evening, and the best time for me to write is late after I put the kids to bed. I can change that around if the kids are somewhere else, but night time is my best time for non physical activities. I try and do all the physical stuff earlier in the day, before the aches and pains set in. That’s me. We are all different, but you will find your body has a set routine. Its best to work with your body rather than trying to force yourself to do something that isn’t the normal way your body works. You can retrain your body, but its easy to go with it. You want to do whats the easiest to do, that’s how you’ll have the most success, because the least amount of obstacles in your way the better, the clearer the path for you to follow.

Step three, take your list of whats important, and don’t let others defer you from that path. Either by discouraging you outright, or by being a constant energy zapper for you. You know the people I am talking about. Friends are important, and true friends should always have a place in your life. There are those though that do nothing positive for you, they sit there and suck all your positive energy, leaving you with either nothing or negative energy. These are called ‘Toxic’ friends, and you should limit your time spent with them to as little as absolutely necessary. Everyone needs help, its ok to help people, the ones I am talking about are the ones you are always there for, that spill all their problems day after day, only when you give them advice, they don’t take it, and there they are the next day with the same problems, not doing anything to help themselves. They never listen to you, and probably never will listen to anyone. Its just how some people are.

If you stick to your goals, if you remember your motivation, you will see that it wont take nearly as much as you thought for you to achieve your goals. Yes it will take hard work and determination, but you will find when you have the right plan, and you go at your own pace, anything is possible.

Well, the time has come my friends, a close companion and myself have to part ways. Its always sad to say goodbye to someone you’ve spent so much time with. We’ve had our ups and downs, you’ve stuck by me in good times and bad, but I have to be honest with myself and admit, you just arent good for me to be around any more. Gone are the carefree days of youth, now its time to be serious, sure we can still have laughs, but the nasty R word has crept into the picture now, and I cant hang around with you anymore. RESPONSIBILITY, for myself, for my kids. I remember when we met, I was so young, you offered me companionship, a way out of my loneliness. Throughout the last 14 years you’ve seen me through good times and bad, but i have to be honest, our relationship no longer suits who I have become. Yes cigarette, oh sweet dear friend, we have to part ways i made it sound like a real person didnt I?

Yes folks, its true, after 14 long years, I have to say goodbye to my near constant companion. I have tried to quit in the past, the most i have made it is a few months during my pregnancies. I have to say though, that I never really WANTED to quit before, I have felt like I HAD to, and as with most addictions, the only way to quit, and STAY quit, is to WANT it. I think I do at this point, though its still going to be difficult. With mom’s upcoming surgery, I am going to be realistic with myself. I need to come up with a plan yet, but I have decided to do it, which is half way there. I am going to start slowing down tomorrow, after I take mom to find out when the surgery will be, because i know i will need my crutch for that lol I have to be realistic and not set myself up for failure. I know I can do it, I just have to plan it out the right way. So thats where I am at today, planning it all out….. Planning when I will say goodbye to my faithful companion lol

What did it for me this time, the way I know for sure I will do it, is my six yr old said yesterday “Mommy you have to quit smoking, Its bad for you ya know, its a drug, drugs are addicting, I want you to not be addicted.” Something about the sad face, made me realize I am not doing either of us a favor by continuing this filthy habit. So i think I am ready to let go now, once and for all. Will have a plan by tomorrow night, and keep you all posted!!! So be ready for some angry rants lol. Til next time gang!

Your walking along a beach, the heat from the sun warming you as you walk along the edge of the crystal clear water. Your toe brushes against something smooth, and you bend down to inspect what you think will be a shell to add to your collection. Instead of a shell left behind by a sea creature, you find an old bottle, half buried in the sand. You dig with both hands to unearth your new found treasure, and when at last you tug the bottle free, you rinse the sand off it in the surf, and hold it up to inspect it. The bottle is small at the top, flaring out at the bottom, as blue as the sky, and closed with a cork. Thinking you will find a message from a long lost love that was never seen, you uncork it. Suddenly the sky darkens, a cloud appears and time stands still. The cloud shifts shape, transforming into a misty figure, a person, a person with no feet. A Genie!!!! The genie is so happy you released him from the bottle he is going to grant you three wishes BUT he has rules, the first one being none of those wishes can be for unlimited wishes (damn that’s always been my first thought lol) and the second being you cant interrupt the delicate balance between life and death, meaning you cant cure disease, get eternal life for you and loved ones, or bring anyone back from the dead.

Ok, so my wishes? My first would be for world peace always. Honestly, there is so much tension, war, anger, hatred in the world, I hate it not just for me, but my kids. Not to sound like a Ms. America Contestant, but I don’t like conflict, besides the safety of friends and family, its also because conflict just makes me nervous, there is no need to fight, theres always room for compromise. People always think everything has to be absolute, there isn’t always black and white, there is often grey, where no one is right, and no one is wrong. Maybe its wishful thinking, but cant we all just agree to disagree? Why do we always have to play my gun is bigger than your gun???? Oh well its my fairy tale, and that’s my wish number one, I don’t care how it happens, put world peace, forever lol.

Ok, wish number two. I don’t want to end poverty, because then future generations might have it. So, my wish would be for thriving commerce, that everyone is able to make money doing what makes them happy. Yes I know, some jobs people do just for the money right? Well in my perfect world, I am going to say some people actually ENJOY shoveling elephant shit. If that’s what makes someone happy, they should do it, or at least, maybe I will put it another way, I wish that people could find a job that they enjoy doing, that will pay them enough to make a decent living. If it takes school they should be able to have the funds to go, and all that. The world would be a much better place if we were all able to love what we do for a living. People would be happy, people would look forward to going to work, and the national stress level would go WAY down, so people would treat other people better.

My third wish would be hard, because of the Genies restrictions. I think with the first two I am no longer indebted to the world, I have made it a better place, now I can blow the third wish on me I don’t know if I need anything if my other wishes come true. I guess my last wish would be for me to walk that same beach with the kids and the love of my life, no worries no cares, I wouldn’t mind working so long as I could do what I loved and make money at it, but I just want the ones I love and me to live free, no worries, no hurts, maybe I cant wish for no physical hurts, because I cant cure fibro, but I can wish for no heart ache, but no, I don’t think I would wish that either, cuz through heartache we learn, and I think we love deeper for it. I wish for my kids all the things that money cant buy, or the best of everything that money cant buy. Ok, Ok, either that or advances in science so that I can get a teleporter, like on Star Trek :p

Now please, respond, tell me what you would wish for!!!!!!