WannaBeNormal - My Search for Peace, Love & Empathy

For awhile now I have wanted to write about this, but a part of me keeps the feelings hidden, its hurtful to me, but I think the time has come for me to open up so others might understand. Well in all honesty I guess it matters very little if others understand or acccept my choices, they are my own and I alone must live with them, but it DOES bother me that certain people look down on me simply because they dont understand.

It started back this past summer. Everything was going well, I had started divorce proceedings, I had started dating Correy, and my ex started dating his fiance. I was up visiting Correy, and my ex calls me and says my kids no longer want to live with me so he was just NOT giving them back. Of all the sneaky underhanded lowlife things he could have done, this was absolutely the last thing I would have expected. I curse myself daily for having put him above such a thing. No one would let me go home that minute, even though I wanted to, but that was probably a good thing in retrospect, because I was a fierce mama bear hell bent on getting my cubs back.

Luckily, being up here gave me time to cool down and think. My kids have ALWAYS come first, and I was letting my pride rule my judgement. People have accused me of ‘giving’ him my kids. I can assure you nothing is further from the truth. If my kids had told me one time they wanted to be with me I would have fought for them every step I took, I would give my dying breath for them, they are my everything. It KILLS me not being there with them everyday, but they decided they wanted to be with Dad. Why? Well I have many theories, I wasnt always the best mom, I admit, especially at that time with the unresolved seizure thing going on and no way to control it I felt pretty useless myself, but my kids would NOT have abandoned me without prompting from SOMEONE, I am not stupid and they tell me what goes on. Add to my illnesses the fact that they often don’t feel like they have the approval of their Dad, and they KNEW they always had my approval, so it made sense to me they wanted to live with him. It broke my heart, but it made sense.

So that left me with a few choices. My first one was pretty well made for me. What kind of mother would I be if I dragged my kids into court and made them testify against me? That would be hurtful to them as well as me and I read up on it, testifying against one parent no matter if its what they wanted, could scar them for life once they are old enough to understand how much everything meant. He might have been more than willing to put them through that but I wasnt. Another choice I made was where I was going to live. I had alot to consider. I had already been (and in some ways continue to be as much as I hate it) a burden to my mother, and Correy was willing to let me stay with him. Besides the fact that I wanted to be around him, it also helped my ego that SOMEONE wanted me around. Coupled with the fact that I didnt know how I could handle being SO CLOSE to my kids and yet not being able to see them everyday, the move was the obvious choice.

Do I regret how things have worked out? I can honestly say, very little. If I had it to do over again there is very little I would change. My kids and I have a great relationship now, even though I miss them every single second of every single day. Correy and I are running smoothly and now we have this wonderful new life on the way. I still have my times (ok pretty frequently) where I feel utterly useless, a burden to my mother as well as to Correy, but I know it wont last, eventually I will fell useful again, until then I just hope my love is enough of a reason to keep me around

It all goes back to something I have said since I was 15 years old and the man that I thought would be the love of my life wanted to leave. ‘If you love something set it free, if it comes back its yours, if not it was never meant to be’ It didnt work out for me then the way I thought it should and now it only proves to me everything happens for a reason. We may not understand them while they are happening, but the reasons become evident to us later on…

Hello to all my friends and Happy New Year!!!

To start, I would like to share some wonderful news, I am expecting my third child in August The kids know and are thrilled… I am going to start sharing my experiences both being pregnant with bipolar and pregnant with fibro. I can tell you for starters it has not been easy dropping all my meds, I am also experiencing more sickness with this one than my other two, but I am dealing with it and know it will be worth it in the end. I have not gone to the doctor yet, the meds I dropped I did by speaking with my primary care doc, but I am hoping they will at least let me have an antidepressant. I don’t want to hurt the baby, but I am constantly in tears and trying to cope. Either way I will make it through its just hard now, anyone with advice it would be appreciated! I see an OB this month, I will keep you all posted.

The fibro pain is also posing a challenge. Any advice from someone who has been here would be great. I had previously heard that you go into remission, however I have yet to see that lol. I am counting down to August, I know once the morning sickness subsides I will feel better.

I am currently working on a new video and should have it ready some time this month. I am excited not only about the pregnancy, but also about the chance to share this experience with others and let people know what I go through, maybe help others with bipolar and fibro get through thier pregnancies. I will share any tips I find helpful and if anyone has any to share please comment, this is a tough time for any woman but more so for women with illnesses, I am hoping that sharing what we go through will be of help to others in similar situations.

Take care all and best wishes for 2009! I will keep posting so keep checking back!

Jo

Hey gang,

I have been going through alot of emails and trying to answer them all, I just wanted to check in with everyone, KEEP EMAILING!!!  I enjoy helping and will do all I can to continue…  Also, be on the lookout for my next vid, it will be coming out within the next few weeks.  Til then take care all!

- Jo

Ok this has been a LONG WEIRD road for me, but let me try and update as best I can and briefly as I can for those of you that have asked where I have been or what I have been up to.

My sister gave birth to a healthy boy! So happy for her, and glad that this one went quickly and smoothly. He joins a sister (2) and a half brother (8), everyone is doing well I am happy to say.

Mom has fully recovered from her back surgery and is happy to have no restrictions anymore. Uncle Ted came out for my sisters wedding and I have many great pictures of us all together.

As for me, well I finally got the ball rolling not just on my disability but also my divorce. Paperwork submitted, now the waiting begins. Many of you know, the seizures have been the worst. I am kinda stuck with them since the meds I can take for them knock me out, but if i dont take the meds I have seizure after seizure. Originally the kids started out with me, ex took everything and I was fine with it, in fact I TOLD him to take anything he wanted so long as I got to keep the kids.

So thats how the summer went, and I tried my best to deal with life on the drugs they gave me to stop the seizures, but they made me very tired, and I know it put too much responsibility on the kids. My daughter got tired of taking care of her brother (though when I was her age I was watching my sister for my parents alot). Their Dad got a girlfriend and despite my agreement with him prior to this event he introduced her to the children who liked her, which I was glad for, as I had met someone I was interested in introducing the kids too. The day finally came for me to do so and they loved him, he helped them with thier homework while I was fixing dinner and taught them some games to play. When it was time for them to go to their dads I took my friend home, spent a few days getting to know his family, only to receive a call from my ex that my children no longer wanted to live with me. I cried and pleaded with him to no avail, he would allow them to talk to me on the phone, but only my son would talk, my daughter said she felt ‘uncomfortable’ and that I had somehow ‘lied to her’. I cried for days and stayed at my friends house, I couldnt bear being at home with their stuff all around the house, so I stayed with my friend while I made some important decisions

1. I decided to let the kids stay with their Dad. I would not make that decision for them because even though the state doesnt think they are old enough, I trust them to make it themselves, and if they wanted to be with me, I wouldnt let thier Dad take them from me.

2. I decided to move to Wisconsin with my boyfriend. I couldnt sit home and look at thier rooms every nite and not see them, I knew that would only drive me into a deep depression. This way I see them when I go home, and I go home as often as possible. I will make it a point to tell them both they can call me and see me WHENEVER they want, and the only reason I am not fighting for them is because I wont go against their wishes. I needed to do something with my life anyway, and this feels right. My boyfriend loves me and cares about me more than I could have ever asked for. Also I am out of Mom’s hair which I am sure she appreciates!

So thats where I am at everyone. My Bipolar is a bit out of whack, and my Fibro is flaring, Seizures have gotten alittle worse too, but I think its in anticipation of the upcoming court dates for the divorce. I am doing my best to make all this as seamless as possible, but of course that only makes it harder on me. I’ll live. Thank you all for your continued comments and emails of support and I hope to do another video soon, but I am going to need to help my boyfriend settle some things first.

Take care all!

Jo